Living With An Alcoholic. Heaven or Hell?

Living with an un-recovered alcoholic for eighteen years must be hell and would probably make skeptic out of anyone. It did my wife, Nancy

Of course this situation is VERY typical. Nearly all spouses brought into this situation react exactly the same way. It was a great suggestion made to me to read through Chapter 8* in the Big Book ASAP and “IF you liked it”, suggest to my wife that SHE read it.

I did – and I did – and she did.

She cried herself to sleep the first time she read it.

My sponsor at the time told me to try to get her to attend some opened speaker meetings with us. She came to a highly attended (100+) anniversary meeting and was bowled over. (Which I now do with all of the men I work with.)

She wound up getting a black belt in Al-Anon, which has been a boon to our relationship.

AA always was a family affair from the beginning. Sponsorship and even 12 step calls were designed for involvement of the whole family, not just the alcoholic; something which too many AAs today seem to forget today.

Do you know – I actually heard someone say “NEVER bring and alcoholic to your house” Like it was an AA RULE! What arrogance.

When wet alcoholics are brought here, Nancy will make coffee and serve snacks. The kids will come over and they get introduced to the new prospect.

Little Danny, when he was only two — after having met one wet hard case who came over, asked, “Daddy, will Gary turn yellow and die like Mark did?” I will never forget that.

I want the prospects to see what my life is like, warts and all — going beyond hearing me launch a pithy share in a meeting or seeing me with my “Meeting smile”.

Today my wife and kids will come to open meetings where I am speaking to “Hear Daddy” or even when a friend is celebrating. They help with the setup and in the kitchen and Nancy has developed friendships with other alcoholic wives AND alcoholics as well.

She went from “Who are these people and what do they want?” – to “Can you help me with step three?”

Needless to say, I have loads of gratitude, but I had to do those things so it could happen first.

If you are interested, Nancy contributed a note to my biography – it is on my “work” site and I do not like to mix AA with business, so here is a direct link to that note without having to click through my livelihood material. It would be tacky. You’ll have to scroll down to reach it.

A personal note about AA from Nancy.

Peace,

Danny S

* It is titled “To Wives” because men wrote most of the literature of the era from a male perspective. It is NOT a huge stretch to substitute “Spouse” for “Wife” these days, because it will all still apply.