Some Threadbare Excuse

For many years no matter what the consequences of a spree, whether it was a twelve-hour spree or a four-day spree, I was always convinced that somehow, even if it got bad, it would be worth it.

There would be some “prize” at the end of the rainbow – like a good time, a skirt, or just a well deserved mini-vacation from whatever was eating at me in that moment – the problems du jour that are the excuses for drinking, when drinking is what we would do regardless.

You know . . . . some threadbare excuse for taking a drinking anyway.

“Even if I get sick and Nancy is mad, the experience is worth it.” Sorry to say, for a self-centered alcoholic like me it always WAS worth it, for YEARS.

Then the accumulated aggregate of consequences – the sack full of life being “not fair” in career, relationships finally built up to a grand case of self-pity.

Yet STILL that dreadful state was a mere cakewalk compared to the bottom I eventually hit – the alcoholic bottom where the soul is so sick it wants to kill itself.

I try not to mistake self-pity for an alcoholic-bottom anymore. I have been to both places – and sometimes can recognize the difference. Sometimes not.

Being sober for years – being the good fella – faking it till I make it – was not the solution for me. It was mere self-pity that drove me to seek help – not in any change of self, but in fellowship – AA meetings. But self-redirection did not last for this real McCoy.

I empathize with down-and-out folks who seek relief from the torch on their butts, from their burning consciences, from the losses of thing material. I wish I could convey to them that if they are really alcoholic the STILL may not find any relief before really hitting bottom. Even considering the degree of unhappiness they already find themselves, unless there is a spiritual awakening it gets worse, not better.

The good news is that once the awakening occurs, it is a transformation of total being that brings incredible awareness and power back into a life lost to selfishness, and recreates anew being to live a life that is useful, happy, and whole. Un-freakin‘-real.

I am presently the happiest I have ever been in my life. My family loves me, and I them, I can demonstrate it to them. My kids are well adjusted and live in what to me would have seemed a dreamland growing up. My wife’s dreams are coming true too. The plans we made together when we were sixteen and seventeen years old that never came together are HERE now.

We all go through each day one at a time. I feel useful for the first time in my life because I now know what I never knew and I keep learning, only having just scratched the surface.

I wish what I have upon everyone, alcoholic or not. If it gets any better than this, I just do not know WHAT I will do. It is beyond my comprehension. Pink clouds? No way. Gods grace for doing his work well? Definitely.

Peace,

Danny S

Depression

Depression is a bitch. I have had my bouts since sober. For me they have been less and less as I have grown. I hope you find it that way too. A couple of summers ago was the worst (and last, so far thankfully). We do screw up our chemistries when we spend so much time effort and money self-medicating out in the field. (Read: “Drinking”)

I have put faith in the doctors who, yes, do a little crap-shooting, but heck I shot quite a bit of my own crap without a Med degree, so some controlled environment, educated gambling cannot be any worse. I always felt it to be a relief to have someone to help me with it, admitting I have not got all the answers to all the problems.

My own course consisted of three things, without either one would have been harder or impossible: 1) Getting the docs help. The right med as a jumpstart and buffer, to allow me to function. Those meds, as you already know, are not “Happy pills”. They restore normal synaptic-chemical balances and allow your own brain to do its own job.
2) While a semblance of normal functioning was being restored through modern chemistry, I threw myself heavily into working with others directly, one-on-one. AND additionally I got very involved in these Yahoo groups, which I used as one more method to get out of myself on a moments notice whenever I needed.

Sitting on the pity pot can put a ring on your ass, and the longer I sit, the worse the ring. Sometimes I would work in Yahoo groups, moderating and posting for hours of a day, if necessary. Not everyone has that luxury, but some other device for “Getting out of myself” would have worked as well. Maybe just more time working with others. And finally though PRIMARILY,

3) I took very seriously Bill Ws own “Gimmick” to snap his own depression. It worked. It worked. IT WORKED. Have I stressed that point enough. No? Well, IT WORKED. That can be found in his Grapevine article and letter entitled “Emotional Sobriety”. This “gimmick” I attribute as THE ultimate answer to my won depression. The three-punch wallop of EACH together were complimentary, fast acting and were a saving grace. I have posted it in our FILES section in case you have not access to a copy at the moment.

Now I find that working with others and continuing to maintain a health prayer ran inventory life is key. I do a lot of it. And if I ever get back into that depressive state, I can just crank up the works and disinfect my brain. Right now I think that the levels are just right, not meds, but the other tools.

Peace,