Come Back To Sanity

Most of us have heard all sorts of pretty illogical logic from sponsees or just folks sharing in meetings. In fact haven’t we all heard some of the most insane things from these folks? It’s as if they can talk out of every hole in their heads! Many time you just have to laugh.

Most of us have even said or thought them ourselves so hopefully we can laugh at ourselves as well. But SOME of the shit is just so far out there – too far to even laugh at. We can just hope the person eventually comes back to earth. (It can sometimes be too cruel to laugh aloud until AFTER they have re-entered the atmosphere and “landed” safely.)

For example, once they might say they are “mad” at God – the next moment – and with equal conviction – say that they don’t believe in God. What the phuck? How can we hate someone who isn’t even there to hate?

I don’t think that confusion anywhere near ones last drunk – or in between drunks for that matter – is all that uncommon. Personally I think it’s a mixture of non-thinking and pent up resentment rather than the ideas of a clear thinking, thoughtful person who has recently thought through the existence or non-existence of a Higher Power. Alkies mostly think about themselves –as God – when bound up with spiritual sickness.

My own situation didn’t touch such atheism. I already knew that God existed. I’d had a drastic spiritual episode during meditation in my early twenties that changed my life and perceptions in a big way. The problem was that this experience was flip-flopped by my own egotistical nature and I slowly became convinced that I was “special” - even “chosen” and finally “superior” to other “earthly” humans for having gained the unbelievable gift – and the personal fireworks display accompanying it – I had been given.

It sounds funny now. Almost comical – like a real life version of young Anakin Skywalker who turns into Darth Vader. It also sounds sick too. And believe me, I did become sick. I firmly believe that the inner conflict I had brought on caused me to drink and do drugs in order to blot out the conscience so that I did not have to see what I had become.

The continual abuse of ETOH over time eventually damaged my body and kicked it over “the line” – bringing the physical component (allergy) to meet up with the insanity or obsession to drink.

Getting shitfaced was fine medicine – but not being able to stop once mentally satisfied can really ruin THAT solution.

When it came time to “Come back” to sanity – there was still no question in my mind that God was. Hell running from Him for all those years I was convince He was out there somewhere – chasing me – apparently all the way to Hell if He had to! I had been with Him before and THAT memory and experience was still there. BUT I was ashamed. I was guilt ridden – like a child afraid to face Daddy after misbehaving, doing something terribly wrong.

Even though I was “In AA” and now abstinent through fellowshipping, I also had new come to live in my previously numbed conscience.

The conflicted and pained conscience was becoming more and more intolerable. It as if I were living in Hell. No, I take that back — I WAS living in Hell – on earth. I was hitting a real alcoholic’s bottom – right under the eyes of the AA fellowship. I was falling apart and all the meetings and all the fellowships men couldn’t put Danny back together again – despite their lofty collective claims to have that power. I relapsed.

My spiritual experience BEFORE taking the steps – on the very night that I came out of a blackout in a hotel room – included the voice of God telling me directly that He still loved me despite my playing god and that He would help me come back, IF I would do certain things.

Just what those things were to be, I did not know – except that it would somehow be through the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. He made that very clear. I can still to this day recall the words and knowing clarity that accompanied those words. We are talking “words” – words from God – and I don’t give a crumb how crazy that sounds.

What I was to do – the actions I was to take – did not remain a mystery for long, because within hours I was standing outside of one of the worst, most middle-of-the-road, toxically infections discussion meetings one can imagine and was approached by a man I had known for several years and who was qualified to start me back on a path to God and human usefulness. Out of the blue, he offered to take me through the Twelve Steps – and I accepted. I had no idea he was capable of doing that. But he was. And he did.

The result was yet another spiritual awakening that entirely removed the insanity, the obsession, to ever drink again. In less than 45 days from the date of my last drink on October 5th 1999, I was a free man. I use that day, November 18, 1999 as my sobriety date rather than the date of the last drink I remember taking. Those forty-four day in the life of this 18,250 day old man are the most important ones I’ve ever had on this planet.

I don’t know why I decided to tell you all this. I guess I am just feeling grateful tonight for having had a third step experience as powerful as the one I did. I am grateful that there is nothing that any MOTR asshole could EVER say to me or to anyone of you, my fellow Trudgers, that can dissuade (us) from knowing that what happened to us is anything less than a God given miracle. A miracle freely given out of His love and which we can pass on to others who suffer.

Peace,

Danny S

Come Back To Sanity

Most of us have heard all sorts of pretty illogical logic from sponsees or just folks sharing in meetings. In fact haven’t we all heard some of the most insane things from these folks? It’s as if they can talk out of every hole in their heads! Many time you just have to laugh.

Most of us have even said or thought them ourselves so hopefully we can laugh at ourselves as well. But SOME of the shit is just so far out there – too far to even laugh at. We can just hope the person eventually comes back to earth. (It can sometimes be too cruel to laugh aloud until AFTER they have re-entered the atmosphere and “landed” safely.)

For example, once they might say they are “mad” at God – the next moment – and with equal conviction – say that they don’t believe in God. What the phuck? How can we hate someone who isn’t even there to hate?

I don’t think that confusion anywhere near ones last drunk – or in between drunks for that matter – is all that uncommon. Personally I think it’s a mixture of non-thinking and pent up resentment rather than the ideas of a clear thinking, thoughtful person who has recently thought through the existence or non-existence of a Higher Power. Alkies mostly think about themselves –as God – when bound up with spiritual sickness.

My own situation didn’t touch such atheism. I already knew that God existed. I’d had a drastic spiritual episode during meditation in my early twenties that changed my life and perceptions in a big way. The problem was that this experience was flip-flopped by my own egotistical nature and I slowly became convinced that I was “special” - even “chosen” and finally “superior” to other “earthly” humans for having gained the unbelievable gift – and the personal fireworks display accompanying it – I had been given.

It sounds funny now. Almost comical – like a real life version of young Anakin Skywalker who turns into Darth Vader. It also sounds sick too. And believe me, I did become sick. I firmly believe that the inner conflict I had brought on caused me to drink and do drugs in order to blot out the conscience so that I did not have to see what I had become.

The continual abuse of ETOH over time eventually damaged my body and kicked it over “the line” – bringing the physical component (allergy) to meet up with the insanity or obsession to drink.

Getting shitfaced was fine medicine – but not being able to stop once mentally satisfied can really ruin THAT solution.

When it came time to “Come back” to sanity – there was still no question in my mind that God was. Hell running from Him for all those years I was convince He was out there somewhere – chasing me – apparently all the way to Hell if He had to! I had been with Him before and THAT memory and experience was still there. BUT I was ashamed. I was guilt ridden – like a child afraid to face Daddy after misbehaving, doing something terribly wrong.

Even though I was “In AA” and now abstinent through fellowshipping, I also had new come to live in my previously numbed conscience.

The conflicted and pained conscience was becoming more and more intolerable. It as if I were living in Hell. No, I take that back — I WAS living in Hell – on earth. I was hitting a real alcoholic’s bottom – right under the eyes of the AA fellowship. I was falling apart and all the meetings and all the fellowships men couldn’t put Danny back together again – despite their lofty collective claims to have that power. I relapsed.

My spiritual experience BEFORE taking the steps – on the very night that I came out of a blackout in a hotel room – included the voice of God telling me directly that He still loved me despite my playing god and that He would help me come back, IF I would do certain things.

Just what those things were to be, I did not know – except that it would somehow be through the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. He made that very clear. I can still to this day recall the words and knowing clarity that accompanied those words. We are talking “words” – words from God – and I don’t give a crumb how crazy that sounds.

What I was to do – the actions I was to take – did not remain a mystery for long, because within hours I was standing outside of one of the worst, most middle-of-the-road, toxically infections discussion meetings one can imagine and was approached by a man I had known for several years and who was qualified to start me back on a path to God and human usefulness. Out of the blue, he offered to take me through the Twelve Steps – and I accepted. I had no idea he was capable of doing that. But he was. And he did.

The result was yet another spiritual awakening that entirely removed the insanity, the obsession, to ever drink again. In less than 45 days from the date of my last drink on October 5th 1999, I was a free man. I use that day, November 18, 1999 as my sobriety date rather than the date of the last drink I remember taking. Those forty-four day in the life of this 18,250 day old man are the most important ones I’ve ever had on this planet.

I don’t know why I decided to tell you all this. I guess I am just feeling grateful tonight for having had a third step experience as powerful as the one I did. I am grateful that there is nothing that any MOTR asshole could EVER say to me or to anyone of you, my fellow Trudgers, that can dissuade (us) from knowing that what happened to us is anything less than a God given miracle. A miracle freely given out of His love and which we can pass on to others who suffer.

Peace,

Danny S