Take My Blood

“And All The Rest of Me Too – While You’re At It.”

Picture the oldest, most cantankerous knucklehead with the most obviously unhappy disposition and twenty or thirty years of “sobriety” that you know in your own Home Group – who does nothing more than spout slogans and crap in meetings. If you would rather use a “happy, joyous and free” personality then be my guest. That will work as well. Suppose it is a fact that he does not fit “Our description of the alcoholic” (Only he can know right? But lets just suppose for now.)

We all know”that guy” right? His or her major contribution to the Fellowship is “Just showing up” to be a “Powerful example” – to throw onto the meeting floor a few pithy “shares” during the week and has one or two “sponsees” that he tells “Easy Does It” or “One Day at A Time” if asked, “When can I take the twelve Steps”?

Putting aside how many real alcoholics this guy has killed during his “Middle-of-road solutions” (25:3) based AA career – think about this:

How might that guy react to the truth if he were to study and comprehend the first forty three pages of the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous – the pages that clearly detailed exactly what a “real alcoholic” is for the purposes of membership and recovery through the spiritual awakening?

Do you think he is going to leap up from his folding chair, click his heels like a Leprechaun and say, “Oh PRAISE JESUS! I can stop going to meetings – I was wrong after all – I am NOT a REAL ALCOHOLIC! Now I have learned my truth.”?

No freakin’ way. He’ll develop contempt for the truth of Step One – of the Big Book – of what he perceives as Big Book Thumpers, Nazis or “AA zealots.” He may even react viciously like a rabid coon trapped in a “Havahart” trap. Have you ever trapped one of those cute little buggers?

Yeah, they’re “cute” alright. They are aggressive and vicious little bastards with sharp-assed fangs and they that want to kill you – which all becomes apparent as they try to bite and claw their way out the reality that they are in the WRONG PLACE – and would rather have their teeth sunk into your jugular vein.

I’ll make a comparison here but first I need to set the stage and to do that I need to get personal — just briefly.

During the first twenty years of my life I adored and worshipped my Dad. Rightly so. I wish all son’s could have that – as they should. I mean I used to not empty the sand from the pockets of my Wranglers after a day of Surf casting at Jones beach - because it was the sand that “we” walked on together.

For the second twenty years of my life my own self-centeredness and untreated alcoholism had me estranged from him.

We had a falling out, which was my fault caused stemming from my years of training for complete assholdom. The details are irrelevant.

Then eight years ago I “accidentally” discovered that this man whom I had no reason to ever doubt was my father was in fact, not

I was in the middle of amends and after all those active alcoholic years I contacted him by letter to see if I could fly down to Florida to set straight the matter that had separated us. His idea of setting things straight was not the same as mine. He wanted my blood. It took fourty years for him to do is, but now suddenly he wanted to investigate his doubts of paternity.

NOW you tell me!

After the initial shock had lightened up a bit I had the blood-test he requested. A “negative” report was issued from the lab. All the while I never once even heard the sound of his voice – and I have never heard from of of him since – except that he contacted one of sisters to tell her that as a result of the blood-test I would now be excluded from his Will – as if he were a Getty or a Hilton or something. I have to laugh a little. (Do I hear the word “contest?” Why, yes I do!)

That was eight years ago and for this past decade, as an adult I have been a “fatherless” child. I had been deceived for all of my life by family plus I no longer held the heritage I thought I did.

A bubble that I assumed mine and mine alone – the very blood that ran through my veins – that no one could take away from me, was burst and drained in an explosive williwaw. It it true that the sword of truth can have a double edge. Pulling it out is just as painful and draws as much blood and the first plunge.

Talk about being devastated — this one went deep and long. There were times when I had to pull off to the side of the road while driving just to compose myself and not cause an accident.

He hadn’t just “died” suddenly. He was murdered at the hand of my own loved ones. Somebody knew -and wouldn’t let me in on it. The pain of the deceit combined with the grieving of loss is heavy. Any alcoholic who has lived in an alcoholic home – with the typical deciets deceptions, lies and cover-ups that make Clinton’s Whitehouse look like a Monestary, will know that level of pain under various circumstances. Certainly anyone who has lost a loved to another’s hand surely will.

Why write about this? Who gives a shit besides me, my kids and wife? (who would at least like to know for medical history purposes as well as knowing what THEIR heritage and that of their OWN will be) — probably no one.

The situation does however allow a look at a part of human nature with which all of us are familiar.

The holding of lies as truth and then learning the truth about the falsehood. It can be an ego deflating proposition. The first time I remember experiencing this was the inconsolable moments I spent after learning there was no Santa Clause. I did not care about the jolly fat bastard – - what bothered me was that I had been deceived by those who I depended upon for honestly and protection. And I felt the fool as well.

This can be personal humiliation that embarrasses but also pains – and for a real alcoholic like I am always requires inventory. ALWAYS.

But what about people who have spent years and years participating in a fellowship created solely for alcoholics – calling themselves “ALCOHOLICS” and yet in truth have absolutely no valid basis for the label?

How do they react when faced with the idea that after all, they may NOT be really alcoholic – that they actually do have and have demonstrated well that they HAVE POWER over alcohol without AA – without a “Higher Power” and without a spiritual awakening- maybe by putting the “Plug in the jug” or “Keeping it green” or ” Just don’t drink no matter what”?

It is no wonder the Big Book is the most absent item in meetings. It teaches us what alcoholism is and what it isn’t. There are just too many of us who cannot withstand the exposure that such knowledge would bring. “Memberships” and egos would never survive it.

We all know what “Group Conscience” – but many groups that I have visited around the country and world would have a “Group Conniption” if they ran out of coffee – but they don’t worry much about running out of Big Books do they? Even if they have one on display it’s often one of few in possession and always seems to be available. The real solution to real alcoholism doesn’t get sold – as long as we “Keep Coming Back”, right?

Well, “I’ve kept coming back for a few years now, and aside from your boring discussions I can’t help but notice that you STILL have the same Big Book up on that table there guys”.

What’s up with that?

When I learned the truth about my “dad” or whoever that “guy” was who now wants nothing to do with me – for forty years, the truth is that he’s not my “dad” and it always has been the truth – whatever I might have believed. But I had a Programmed method of turning on a new God consciousness and a relationship with Him that brought me through it. It is called practicing these principles in all of my affairs.

If I hadn’t, then I would probably either still be carrying around that resentment, bedeviled and miserable and maybe even denying the truth to my own “self“

People have been known to do that. It is a mental instability but not all that uncommon.

Have you ever heard of “cognitive dissonance”*?

It is very prevalent in AA meetings by non-alcoholics. I will probably write about it one day soon.

Peace,

Danny S

*cognitive dissonance

NOUN:
Psychology
A condition of conflict or anxiety resulting from inconsistency between one’s beliefs and one’s actions, such as opposing the slaughter of animals and eating meat.

"Instant Oldtimers"

What if you had stopped drinking without AA – say, ten twenty years ago, then walked into an AA meeting because you your shrink told you that it was a support group for alcoholics and the group therapy was free? You would be an INSTANT OLD TIMER!

I know some AAs who have done exactly this. They are some of the most despicable of “Meeting goers”.

They cannot truly be called AA’s – because in fact they are not – even if they say-so. They are interlopers.

AA membership is limited to alcoholics only and these types come to AA AFTER proving they do not NEED AA to recover. (Not to be confused with the right to attend AA meetings. EVERYONE is welcomed to attend OPEN AA meetings. We are talking about “membership” as per Tradition Three.*)

They have already solved their drinking problem – heavy & hard drinking, through human aid – something that real alcoholics cannot do.

No one as far as I know has EVER recovered from a malady they did not actually HAVE – and these types can’t recover from alcoholism because they haven’t GOT alcoholism. They cover THAT base by saying things like, “I’ll never recover because no one ever recovers”

- which of course is totally 180 degrees from what the Big Book says – and my experience as well.

They identify as “alcoholic” when all they are are people who drank too much – too often. Then they tell newcomers – some who may be real alcoholics – that they can “Put the plug in the jug” or that the solution is “Just don’t drink”. This of course is how they solved their particular kind of drinking problem but to the real alcoholic, this is a deadly bit of advice.

Real alcoholics cannot “just not drink” – if we did, we wouldn’t need the AAs twelve steps. Then to boot – since they don’t drink anymore, and have come into the fellowship with accumulated sober time – they masquerade as AA “Old-timer” with creditability unearned. Little men with big egos and and a place to go – despicable bastards they are! And in my view – sick, sick killers of us real McCoys.

That’s why it is so important for newcomers to be careful of who they listen to in meetings. Many people giving advice and “sharing” about how they “did it” are giving advice that will and DO KILL the real alkies like me. I’ve buried too many already.

There should be a fellowship created just for these types: AA2

Peace,

Danny S

* Tradition Three: “Our membership ought to include all who suffer from alcoholism. Hence we may refuse none who wish to recover. Nor ought A.A. membership ever depend on money or conformity. Any two or three alcoholics gathered together for sobriety may call themselves an A.A. group, provided that, as a group, they have no other affiliation.”
® Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

"Instant Oldtimers"

What if you had stopped drinking without AA – say, ten twenty years ago, then walked into an AA meeting because you your shrink told you that it was a support group for alcoholics and the group therapy was free? You would be an INSTANT OLD TIMER!

I know some AAs who have done exactly this. They are some of the most despicable of “Meeting goers”.

They cannot truly be called AA’s – because in fact they are not – even if they say-so. They are interlopers.

AA membership is limited to alcoholics only and these types come to AA AFTER proving they do not NEED AA to recover. (Not to be confused with the right to attend AA meetings. EVERYONE is welcomed to attend OPEN AA meetings. We are talking about “membership” as per Tradition Three.*)

They have already solved their drinking problem – heavy & hard drinking, through human aid – something that real alcoholics cannot do.

No one as far as I know has EVER recovered from a malady they did not actually HAVE – and these types can’t recover from alcoholism because they haven’t GOT alcoholism. They cover THAT base by saying things like, “I’ll never recover because no one ever recovers”

- which of course is totally 180 degrees from what the Big Book says – and my experience as well.

They identify as “alcoholic” when all they are are people who drank too much – too often. Then they tell newcomers – some who may be real alcoholics – that they can “Put the plug in the jug” or that the solution is “Just don’t drink”. This of course is how they solved their particular kind of drinking problem but to the real alcoholic, this is a deadly bit of advice.

Real alcoholics cannot “just not drink” – if we did, we wouldn’t need the AAs twelve steps. Then to boot – since they don’t drink anymore, and have come into the fellowship with accumulated sober time – they masquerade as AA “Old-timer” with creditability unearned. Little men with big egos and and a place to go – despicable bastards they are! And in my view – sick, sick killers of us real McCoys.

That’s why it is so important for newcomers to be careful of who they listen to in meetings. Many people giving advice and “sharing” about how they “did it” are giving advice that will and DO KILL the real alkies like me. I’ve buried too many already.

There should be a fellowship created just for these types: AA2

Peace,

Danny S

* Tradition Three: “Our membership ought to include all who suffer from alcoholism. Hence we may refuse none who wish to recover. Nor ought A.A. membership ever depend on money or conformity. Any two or three alcoholics gathered together for sobriety may call themselves an A.A. group, provided that, as a group, they have no other affiliation.”
® Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

What About Old-timers Who Relapse?

I’ve been going though a copy of “The Akron Intergroup News”, dated December 1998 on the subject of relapse – especially with regard to members having long term sobriety.

Telling a new AA member to call us before picking up the first drink is excellent advice. But it almost never works for those who no longer have deep cravings for alcohol, because in a subtle, insidious way, they have entered into a private period (weeks, maybe even months) of irrational thinking about their lives, work, this program, loved ones, hobbies, the government or other drivers!

The picking up of the drink is NOT the beginning of a relapse – it comes at the END of the relapse.

1. Exhaustion – Allowing oneself to become overly tired; usually associated with work addiction as an excuse for not facing personal frustrations.

Remember, the Akron Newsletter is not saying that exhaustion is a CAUSE of a relapse. Hungy Angry Lonly Tired as triggers for relapse does NOT apply – not for recovered alcoholics.

It IS saying that being exhausted and overly tired might be a “sign” that an alcoholic, even one with long term sobriety is headed for trouble.

So where can we look in order to be helpful to such a person?

The answer, of course can be found in the Big Book:

“We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions. We become much more efficient. We do not tire so easily, for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves.” (88:0)

So chances are, if we (Or someone to whom we are trying to be helpful) is tired and burned out all the time, they are not following Step Eleven as laid out.

They are not getting the Step Eleven promise of not tiring easily and they are inefficient.

We can ask them,

“Listen Izzy, when agitated or doubtful, throughout your day . . . have you been pausing and asking God for the right thought or action. Do you constantly remind your self that you are no longer running the show, humbly saying to yourself many times each day “Thy will be done.”?

We can bet that the answer will be “no”. (And he’ll think your a freakin’ genius or a clairvoyant for seeing through his balking.)

Now we have something to work with – we know where the current balk is and can do something about it to re-establish this part of Step eleven – becoming better disciplined – not SELF discipline – that has never worked for us. But GOD disciplined.

It is there for the asking, but we still have to ask.

Another telltale sign that someone may be headed for a relapse – losing his daily reprieve for failure to maintenance the spiritual condition – is DISHONESTY. I’ll do another blog on that soon, maybe this weekend.

Peace,

Danny S

http://recoveredalcoholic.blogspot.com/