My Own Concept

Although it was their experience and their intent, I did not realize at first that the co-founders where proposing in the Big Book that I HAD to find “God”. How ever I conceptualized Him was of no import, as long as it was He.

I started with my Group, and this was all that was necessary for me to make a beginning. (We are not meant to end up with the same concept later, but for then, it was good enough).

I thought these Big Book thumpers were trying to cram THEIR God down my throat – and maybe some were – but mostly it was my own prejudice lying to me. The co-authors certainly were not trying to do that.

This prejudice and intolerance prohibited me from hearing THE message from a lot of truly loving folks who were there to help me when I was new.

The point I finally got was that they knew I needed to find a new power to solve my problems and I could not do until I removed MYSELF from being God – stop blowing my own fanfare out of my own ass.

It is easy to be stuck here unless we have an experienced sponsor – someone who has had the spiritual experience as the result of these steps and been given the power to help others.

Many people new at this, AAs sober 10, 15, 20 years who I have sponsored also get stuck here just like I did. It has been great to use the idea that my conception of God can be anything I like, as long as it makes sense to me. I have a written concept around somewhere; I will never show anybody. But it worked!

It made sense to me, so that when it came decision time (Step 3) I had a visualized entity. I said OK I have decided and started writing my fourth step. How did I know I had taken step three? I was on Step 4, that is how.

I really have no idea what God is like and I try to steer clear of those who claim to have that one definitive description. For all I know he’s an old, big fat, white bearded guy in a flowing robe – sitting on a huge purple velvet lined throne with Jesus sitting on one knee and Elvis on the other – and calls everyone “Cuz“.

That beats a light bulb,no?

At least the concept doesn’t make me feel like an idiot when I ask Him to remove my shortcomings – something that a chair or a doorknob may have difficulty doing.

“Sure Cuz!” He’d say! “Now go help that puking drunk.”

How can I expect a protegee to take me seriously when we get to Step 7 – if he needs to refer to a ceiling tile as “My Creator” – asking “it” for help in removing character defects?

I’d have to have a problem other than alcoholism, and also probably need a stay in a rubber room somewhere.

I only have my own “Conception” for recovery – and for living purposes that assists in abdicating me from the almighty throne.

I can however attest without prejudice to His loving nature which become operative in my life – but I have an innate feeling that all descriptions – whether biblical, whimsical or imaginary – ALL will fall well short of describing Him anyway.

So I don’t really try to be right about this. How can I be?

Trying to be right about God has been a futile ego trip for me in the past – when I was sure that I approached full comprehension or understanding of this Power, God.

I also know how I feel when someone else tries to get me to see their God the way THEY do. I don’t like it – do you?

All I know is the limited experience I have had with Him, most notably the realization that my agnosticism exposes itself in each and every self-sufficient moment I entertain when ego re-emerges – and it does so on a daily basis. I call it “creeping agnosticism”. Call it what you like. Ignore it to your own demise.

We tend to think of agnosticism in terms of an intellectual decree of some sort; “I am agnostic” or “I am atheist” or “I am God-fearing” or even “I believe“. I have yet to experience such spiritual perfection, proposed by terms such as these – and I am OK with this part of my humanness.

What choice is there other than this? Being self-righteous is the only other choice.

Peace,

Danny S