Take My Blood

“And All The Rest of Me Too – While You’re At It.”

Picture the oldest, most cantankerous knucklehead with the most obviously unhappy disposition and twenty or thirty years of “sobriety” that you know in your own Home Group – who does nothing more than spout slogans and crap in meetings. If you would rather use a “happy, joyous and free” personality then be my guest. That will work as well. Suppose it is a fact that he does not fit “Our description of the alcoholic” (Only he can know right? But lets just suppose for now.)

We all know”that guy” right? His or her major contribution to the Fellowship is “Just showing up” to be a “Powerful example” – to throw onto the meeting floor a few pithy “shares” during the week and has one or two “sponsees” that he tells “Easy Does It” or “One Day at A Time” if asked, “When can I take the twelve Steps”?

Putting aside how many real alcoholics this guy has killed during his “Middle-of-road solutions” (25:3) based AA career – think about this:

How might that guy react to the truth if he were to study and comprehend the first forty three pages of the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous – the pages that clearly detailed exactly what a “real alcoholic” is for the purposes of membership and recovery through the spiritual awakening?

Do you think he is going to leap up from his folding chair, click his heels like a Leprechaun and say, “Oh PRAISE JESUS! I can stop going to meetings – I was wrong after all – I am NOT a REAL ALCOHOLIC! Now I have learned my truth.”?

No freakin’ way. He’ll develop contempt for the truth of Step One – of the Big Book – of what he perceives as Big Book Thumpers, Nazis or “AA zealots.” He may even react viciously like a rabid coon trapped in a “Havahart” trap. Have you ever trapped one of those cute little buggers?

Yeah, they’re “cute” alright. They are aggressive and vicious little bastards with sharp-assed fangs and they that want to kill you – which all becomes apparent as they try to bite and claw their way out the reality that they are in the WRONG PLACE – and would rather have their teeth sunk into your jugular vein.

I’ll make a comparison here but first I need to set the stage and to do that I need to get personal — just briefly.

During the first twenty years of my life I adored and worshipped my Dad. Rightly so. I wish all son’s could have that – as they should. I mean I used to not empty the sand from the pockets of my Wranglers after a day of Surf casting at Jones beach - because it was the sand that “we” walked on together.

For the second twenty years of my life my own self-centeredness and untreated alcoholism had me estranged from him.

We had a falling out, which was my fault caused stemming from my years of training for complete assholdom. The details are irrelevant.

Then eight years ago I “accidentally” discovered that this man whom I had no reason to ever doubt was my father was in fact, not

I was in the middle of amends and after all those active alcoholic years I contacted him by letter to see if I could fly down to Florida to set straight the matter that had separated us. His idea of setting things straight was not the same as mine. He wanted my blood. It took fourty years for him to do is, but now suddenly he wanted to investigate his doubts of paternity.

NOW you tell me!

After the initial shock had lightened up a bit I had the blood-test he requested. A “negative” report was issued from the lab. All the while I never once even heard the sound of his voice – and I have never heard from of of him since – except that he contacted one of sisters to tell her that as a result of the blood-test I would now be excluded from his Will – as if he were a Getty or a Hilton or something. I have to laugh a little. (Do I hear the word “contest?” Why, yes I do!)

That was eight years ago and for this past decade, as an adult I have been a “fatherless” child. I had been deceived for all of my life by family plus I no longer held the heritage I thought I did.

A bubble that I assumed mine and mine alone – the very blood that ran through my veins – that no one could take away from me, was burst and drained in an explosive williwaw. It it true that the sword of truth can have a double edge. Pulling it out is just as painful and draws as much blood and the first plunge.

Talk about being devastated — this one went deep and long. There were times when I had to pull off to the side of the road while driving just to compose myself and not cause an accident.

He hadn’t just “died” suddenly. He was murdered at the hand of my own loved ones. Somebody knew -and wouldn’t let me in on it. The pain of the deceit combined with the grieving of loss is heavy. Any alcoholic who has lived in an alcoholic home – with the typical deciets deceptions, lies and cover-ups that make Clinton’s Whitehouse look like a Monestary, will know that level of pain under various circumstances. Certainly anyone who has lost a loved to another’s hand surely will.

Why write about this? Who gives a shit besides me, my kids and wife? (who would at least like to know for medical history purposes as well as knowing what THEIR heritage and that of their OWN will be) — probably no one.

The situation does however allow a look at a part of human nature with which all of us are familiar.

The holding of lies as truth and then learning the truth about the falsehood. It can be an ego deflating proposition. The first time I remember experiencing this was the inconsolable moments I spent after learning there was no Santa Clause. I did not care about the jolly fat bastard – - what bothered me was that I had been deceived by those who I depended upon for honestly and protection. And I felt the fool as well.

This can be personal humiliation that embarrasses but also pains – and for a real alcoholic like I am always requires inventory. ALWAYS.

But what about people who have spent years and years participating in a fellowship created solely for alcoholics – calling themselves “ALCOHOLICS” and yet in truth have absolutely no valid basis for the label?

How do they react when faced with the idea that after all, they may NOT be really alcoholic – that they actually do have and have demonstrated well that they HAVE POWER over alcohol without AA – without a “Higher Power” and without a spiritual awakening- maybe by putting the “Plug in the jug” or “Keeping it green” or ” Just don’t drink no matter what”?

It is no wonder the Big Book is the most absent item in meetings. It teaches us what alcoholism is and what it isn’t. There are just too many of us who cannot withstand the exposure that such knowledge would bring. “Memberships” and egos would never survive it.

We all know what “Group Conscience” – but many groups that I have visited around the country and world would have a “Group Conniption” if they ran out of coffee – but they don’t worry much about running out of Big Books do they? Even if they have one on display it’s often one of few in possession and always seems to be available. The real solution to real alcoholism doesn’t get sold – as long as we “Keep Coming Back”, right?

Well, “I’ve kept coming back for a few years now, and aside from your boring discussions I can’t help but notice that you STILL have the same Big Book up on that table there guys”.

What’s up with that?

When I learned the truth about my “dad” or whoever that “guy” was who now wants nothing to do with me – for forty years, the truth is that he’s not my “dad” and it always has been the truth – whatever I might have believed. But I had a Programmed method of turning on a new God consciousness and a relationship with Him that brought me through it. It is called practicing these principles in all of my affairs.

If I hadn’t, then I would probably either still be carrying around that resentment, bedeviled and miserable and maybe even denying the truth to my own “self“

People have been known to do that. It is a mental instability but not all that uncommon.

Have you ever heard of “cognitive dissonance”*?

It is very prevalent in AA meetings by non-alcoholics. I will probably write about it one day soon.

Peace,

Danny S

*cognitive dissonance

NOUN:
Psychology
A condition of conflict or anxiety resulting from inconsistency between one’s beliefs and one’s actions, such as opposing the slaughter of animals and eating meat.

Drowning Men and Women

Hey remember when “Just don’t drink” was something you could do at will, when drinking just wasn’t a good idea? Me too.

Remember when you used to toss a few stiff ones down the gullet – get a little buzzed and then call it a night because you had to get up for work or school the next day – or just needed to be alert for an important meeting or function?

I remember that.

How about making a decision to get shit-faced – like on New Years Eve or a wedding — or to drown a stubborn sorrow – conjure up some courage – help stuff a trauma or even just the hell of it?

Remember that?

Then we could just sleep it off, and pick up our lives again in a day or two.

Yeah. I remember that.

But then at some point all that changed didn’t it?

Damn! We went a little overboard didn’t we? Isn’t it too bad that we didn’t know that physically we were different – that we were “Potential alcoholics”? Then we could have stopped while we still had the chance.

After years of drinking successfully for the effect I enjoyed, as all drinking men and women are apt to do, I just crossed a line. All willpower practically disappeared. Then later on whenever I pulled up a drinking memory – I would use it to gauge how to “Do it right this time” or to justify the idea that, Last time wasn’t so bad, so this time won’t be either”.

People who chant “Keep it green” or “Remember the last drink” just don’t seem to understand alcoholism much – do they?

The “I’m not drinking today” folks who seem to have that “Plug” in their back pockets ready to pull out whenever they need to cork up a jug – whose motivation might be “I Don’t want to go back out there” or “I have too much too loose” – are different than me. Plugging up that jug is something non-alcoholic “abusers” are able to do. I know. I used to be one. There was a time when “Just say no” was an option.

Sadly those “Jug pluggers” are also giving this type of advice in AA meetings.

This type of defense against the first drink is picked up and used successfully by the hoards of other non-alcoholic meeting-goers, the hard drinkers – and that is wonderful – but what are these people doing in AA meetings anyway – if they have such power over alcohol? I’m just sayin‘!

For the real alcoholic newcomer who comes in and hears that – what a let down!

(See: Killing Alkies – One Drunk At A TIme)

We say, “I don’t want to go back out there” and the insane mind says, “TOUGH SHIT!”

It is for these newcomers that I go to meetings – not to “Get what I need” or “Hear what I need to hear“- my “needs” are filled through Gods grace and guidance. (Morning meditation and prayer, awakenings of the educational variety, intuitive thoughts and inspiration He sends my way through my day and through others in fellowshipping with those on the same path)

Meetings aren’t supposed to self-centered. They are supposed to be “Help” centered - helping the newcomer.

I go to a meeting to find THAT GUY – that real alkie who comes and does NOT identify with most of what he hears about alcoholism because it just is not his experience. The war story with which he might be familiar seem to bring a certain small comfort — it may even bring him back for another meeting. It may even keep him “Coming back” for a while. But it never lasts – not for the real alcoholic. It lasted two years in my case.

I try to grab that new guy before someone else does. I get him outside and tell him what I know about alcoholism from my own experience – supported by the first forty three pages of the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous, and see if that gets him – deep down, like it gets me. If it does- I tell him I will sponsor him through the Twelve Steps. Sometimes the middle-of-the-roaders steal him back and he dies – but trying is important to me.

Sorry to say, but for me the bulk of benefit from AA meetings comes before and after the meeting – not during – God help us!

Here’s what the co-authors thought about “MEMORIES” as a hedge against the next first-drink:

” The almost certain consequences that follow taking even a glass of beer do not crowd into the mind to deter us. If these thoughts occur, they are hazy and readily supplanted with the old threadbare idea that this time we shall handle ourselves like other people. There is a complete failure of the kind of defense that keeps one from putting his hand on a hot stove.” (24:2)

My wife (“Saint Nancy”) – who is not one of us, got plastered ONCE. ONCE!

It was her Sweet Sixteenth birthday party. (And I gave her the stuff) She also got horribly sick from it. The morning after she said, “I’ll never do THAT again!”

Guess what?

YOU GOT IT!

She’s not one of us.

“Once more: The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power.” (43:3)

Peace,

Danny S