Feeling All Right

Not Feeling Too Good Myself

or

“How To Get Rescued From Happy Horseshit”

In the cobwebs of the mind there are morsels of “events” lodged that are long dead. Yet a new type of life spanws as they cling and rot – like maggots on chopped chuck.

We call them resentments. Resentments are not the only special of captured ‘bug’. There are others, but nothing is more deadly to our health that these festering pieces of dead memory. (see the BB page 84) You never know when a new ‘bug’ will get caught. The trick is to clean it out before it infects its disease. As I have grown spiritually I don’t think they have lessened their appearances at all. What has changed is the way I handle them. I do the process and it has become so much a part of my life by now that I can’t go back and recall specifics anymore. It works THAT well. Fears are still very regular though. Fear of not getting what I want are pretty much old too. And they usually involve the fear of being found out .

When I first begin practicing Step Ten on a regular basis – we are going back almost ten years now – it was during a time when I had a lot of financial fears. I had just had surgery and had my business wiped out the very afternoon of 9/11 and even though I was now a “step guy” and real power was about to flow – but I had been resting on my laurels – which in BB context means not practicing Step Ten. It does not mean cutting back on meetings because now I am dry and complacent, as so many people seem to have converted it.

I was getting desperate. I wanted to feel better. My Big Book told me that God wanted me to be “happy joyous and free” and I felt that He owed me. I’m going to lots of meetings God, c’mon and deliver!

I didn’t realize that happy joyous and free was not a promise. It was just an observation or opinion about what God “wants” from the co-authors. The do not swear it is so – just that they are sure it is. They also admit that they truly have no idea what God really “wants”. They weren’t that arrogant.

Hell. I don’t know if God”wants” the earth to spin for at least the next twenty four hours – but I am reasonably sure that He does want it. I’ll let you tomorrow if I was right

But I had been resting on my laurels – which in BB context means not practicing Step Ten. It does not mean cutting back on meetings because now I am dry and complacent,

I had resorted to reading page 449 – the “Acceptance” page, over and over and over trying to cram Dr. O’s ideas and his experience into a feeling that I could own too. Pilfering is really w hat I was trying to do. Which had worked in the past but had lost its efficacy. It has lost because it wasn’t real. It was Dr. O’s acceptance that he wrote of – not mine. Dr. O was describing a Twelve Step experience that I wasn’t having. And why should I – I wasn’t doing what he did – which was practicing these principles in ALL my affairs and that meant Step Ten as much as it meant all the rest. Like many others, I wanted to feel as groovy as Dr. O without doing the work that Dr. O did to get there!

I had begun to “mantracize” his experience as he wrote it. As a student of hypnosis I should have realized that all I was doing was self hypnosis. But I was desperate to “feel better”. During this same depressive time I was scheduled for a Fifth Step. The night after that fifth step the promise of “our fears fall from us” which is in the fifth step came like water to a drowning man. The spiritual experience everyone seems to find so elusive began. NO QUESTION. It just happened. No human inspiration gleaned from a dead mans writings.

From that fifth step, as most of us already know, I was brought straight through 6,7,8 began work on 9 and then incorporating Step Ten practice into my daily regimen. I have not suffered from fear since. I get afraid, of course I do, but those are dealt with on the spot and they melt like ice cubes on a griddle.

Not living on page 52 is dependent upon me practicing Step Ten daily. It frees me up to be helpful and keeps from falling into the deadly trap of willfully trying to live in a spiders web that life on life’s terms afford. It replaces those with life on God’s terms.

Life on life’s terms – well, life kicks my ass. God has not once ever raised a harmful hand to me.

I am such an ass that a simple trip to the grocer and back could easily smack me into three or four resentments, fears, opportunities for dishonesty and selfish thoughts or acts. Yeah I am that much of an asshole – trust me.

They can be so subtle that in the past I would not even have noticed them. I might even have told you that my trip to the store was uneventful, when it wasn’t at all – not deep inside, not when the lady in front of me had thirteen items on a twelve item line, or when some girl in short-shorts asked me if I was “in the band” that headlined last night at he melody tent, she’s a groupie and look at that piece of ass – or I couldn’t bring myself to pay the TWO-FER price for a pound of coffee – that would save me five bucks n the long run – because I was afraid of not having an extra three dollars in my pocket. It gets those low levels and it is high level depression in the aggregate.

Yeah it gets that petty and ridiculous.

Step Ten keeps me free an clear of this kind of living as I keep the broom swishing back and forth, all day long. This is a HUGE chuck of “practicing these principles” in all of my affairs. It is Steps 4,5,6,7,8, and nine all rolled into one.

And here’s a BIG PLUS: My Eleventh Step is shorter and sweeter when I get to bed at night. The Step Eleven Q & A machine that we run through each evening has more positive answers and goes faster, so I get to fall off to sleep sooner – and meditation is sweeter without falling off to dreamland when I am trying to do just the opposite. The head hits th pillow and I end up not end in an exhausted sleep but in a contented state of rest for body mind and spirit.

Acceptance is not the answer to all of my problems. God is. “Father, remove my fears today and direct my attentions toward what YOU would have me be – not what I would have me be”.

Imagine asking God to keep you away from a drink today when we have a prayer like THIS ONE available? – and calling that a “Program of recovery”.

Peace,

Danny S

Feeling All Right

Not Feeling Too Good Myself

or

“How To Get Rescued From Happy Horseshit”

In the cobwebs of the mind there are morsels of “events” lodged that are long dead. Yet a new type of life spanws as they cling and rot – like maggots on chopped chuck.

We call them resentments. Resentments are not the only special of captured ‘bug’. There are others, but nothing is more deadly to our health that these festering pieces of dead memory. (see the BB page 84) You never know when a new ‘bug’ will get caught. The trick is to clean it out before it infects its disease. As I have grown spiritually I don’t think they have lessened their appearances at all. What has changed is the way I handle them. I do the process and it has become so much a part of my life by now that I can’t go back and recall specifics anymore. It works THAT well. Fears are still very regular though. Fear of not getting what I want are pretty much old too. And they usually involve the fear of being found out .

When I first begin practicing Step Ten on a regular basis – we are going back almost ten years now – it was during a time when I had a lot of financial fears. I had just had surgery and had my business wiped out the very afternoon of 9/11 and even though I was now a “step guy” and real power was about to flow – but I had been resting on my laurels – which in BB context means not practicing Step Ten. It does not mean cutting back on meetings because now I am dry and complacent, as so many people seem to have converted it.

I was getting desperate. I wanted to feel better. My Big Book told me that God wanted me to be “happy joyous and free” and I felt that He owed me. I’m going to lots of meetings God, c’mon and deliver!

I didn’t realize that happy joyous and free was not a promise. It was just an observation or opinion about what God “wants” from the co-authors. The do not swear it is so – just that they are sure it is. They also admit that they truly have no idea what God really “wants”. They weren’t that arrogant.

Hell. I don’t know if God”wants” the earth to spin for at least the next twenty four hours – but I am reasonably sure that He does want it. I’ll let you tomorrow if I was right

But I had been resting on my laurels – which in BB context means not practicing Step Ten. It does not mean cutting back on meetings because now I am dry and complacent,

I had resorted to reading page 449 – the “Acceptance” page, over and over and over trying to cram Dr. O’s ideas and his experience into a feeling that I could own too. Pilfering is really w hat I was trying to do. Which had worked in the past but had lost its efficacy. It has lost because it wasn’t real. It was Dr. O’s acceptance that he wrote of – not mine. Dr. O was describing a Twelve Step experience that I wasn’t having. And why should I – I wasn’t doing what he did – which was practicing these principles in ALL my affairs and that meant Step Ten as much as it meant all the rest. Like many others, I wanted to feel as groovy as Dr. O without doing the work that Dr. O did to get there!

I had begun to “mantracize” his experience as he wrote it. As a student of hypnosis I should have realized that all I was doing was self hypnosis. But I was desperate to “feel better”. During this same depressive time I was scheduled for a Fifth Step. The night after that fifth step the promise of “our fears fall from us” which is in the fifth step came like water to a drowning man. The spiritual experience everyone seems to find so elusive began. NO QUESTION. It just happened. No human inspiration gleaned from a dead mans writings.

From that fifth step, as most of us already know, I was brought straight through 6,7,8 began work on 9 and then incorporating Step Ten practice into my daily regimen. I have not suffered from fear since. I get afraid, of course I do, but those are dealt with on the spot and they melt like ice cubes on a griddle.

Not living on page 52 is dependent upon me practicing Step Ten daily. It frees me up to be helpful and keeps from falling into the deadly trap of willfully trying to live in a spiders web that life on life’s terms afford. It replaces those with life on God’s terms.

Life on life’s terms – well, life kicks my ass. God has not once ever raised a harmful hand to me.

I am such an ass that a simple trip to the grocer and back could easily smack me into three or four resentments, fears, opportunities for dishonesty and selfish thoughts or acts. Yeah I am that much of an asshole – trust me.

They can be so subtle that in the past I would not even have noticed them. I might even have told you that my trip to the store was uneventful, when it wasn’t at all – not deep inside, not when the lady in front of me had thirteen items on a twelve item line, or when some girl in short-shorts asked me if I was “in the band” that headlined last night at he melody tent, she’s a groupie and look at that piece of ass – or I couldn’t bring myself to pay the TWO-FER price for a pound of coffee – that would save me five bucks n the long run – because I was afraid of not having an extra three dollars in my pocket. It gets those low levels and it is high level depression in the aggregate.

Yeah it gets that petty and ridiculous.

Step Ten keeps me free an clear of this kind of living as I keep the broom swishing back and forth, all day long. This is a HUGE chuck of “practicing these principles” in all of my affairs. It is Steps 4,5,6,7,8, and nine all rolled into one.

And here’s a BIG PLUS: My Eleventh Step is shorter and sweeter when I get to bed at night. The Step Eleven Q & A machine that we run through each evening has more positive answers and goes faster, so I get to fall off to sleep sooner – and meditation is sweeter without falling off to dreamland when I am trying to do just the opposite. The head hits th pillow and I end up not end in an exhausted sleep but in a contented state of rest for body mind and spirit.

Acceptance is not the answer to all of my problems. God is. “Father, remove my fears today and direct my attentions toward what YOU would have me be – not what I would have me be”.

Imagine asking God to keep you away from a drink today when we have a prayer like THIS ONE available? – and calling that a “Program of recovery”.

Peace,

Danny S