My Own Concept

Although it was their experience and their intent, I did not realize at first that the co-founders where proposing in the Big Book that I HAD to find “God”. How ever I conceptualized Him was of no import, as long as it was He.

I started with my Group, and this was all that was necessary for me to make a beginning. (We are not meant to end up with the same concept later, but for then, it was good enough).

I thought these Big Book thumpers were trying to cram THEIR God down my throat – and maybe some were – but mostly it was my own prejudice lying to me. The co-authors certainly were not trying to do that.

This prejudice and intolerance prohibited me from hearing THE message from a lot of truly loving folks who were there to help me when I was new.

The point I finally got was that they knew I needed to find a new power to solve my problems and I could not do until I removed MYSELF from being God – stop blowing my own fanfare out of my own ass.

It is easy to be stuck here unless we have an experienced sponsor – someone who has had the spiritual experience as the result of these steps and been given the power to help others.

Many people new at this, AAs sober 10, 15, 20 years who I have sponsored also get stuck here just like I did. It has been great to use the idea that my conception of God can be anything I like, as long as it makes sense to me. I have a written concept around somewhere; I will never show anybody. But it worked!

It made sense to me, so that when it came decision time (Step 3) I had a visualized entity. I said OK I have decided and started writing my fourth step. How did I know I had taken step three? I was on Step 4, that is how.

I really have no idea what God is like and I try to steer clear of those who claim to have that one definitive description. For all I know he’s an old, big fat, white bearded guy in a flowing robe – sitting on a huge purple velvet lined throne with Jesus sitting on one knee and Elvis on the other – and calls everyone “Cuz“.

That beats a light bulb,no?

At least the concept doesn’t make me feel like an idiot when I ask Him to remove my shortcomings – something that a chair or a doorknob may have difficulty doing.

“Sure Cuz!” He’d say! “Now go help that puking drunk.”

How can I expect a protegee to take me seriously when we get to Step 7 – if he needs to refer to a ceiling tile as “My Creator” – asking “it” for help in removing character defects?

I’d have to have a problem other than alcoholism, and also probably need a stay in a rubber room somewhere.

I only have my own “Conception” for recovery – and for living purposes that assists in abdicating me from the almighty throne.

I can however attest without prejudice to His loving nature which become operative in my life – but I have an innate feeling that all descriptions – whether biblical, whimsical or imaginary – ALL will fall well short of describing Him anyway.

So I don’t really try to be right about this. How can I be?

Trying to be right about God has been a futile ego trip for me in the past – when I was sure that I approached full comprehension or understanding of this Power, God.

I also know how I feel when someone else tries to get me to see their God the way THEY do. I don’t like it – do you?

All I know is the limited experience I have had with Him, most notably the realization that my agnosticism exposes itself in each and every self-sufficient moment I entertain when ego re-emerges – and it does so on a daily basis. I call it “creeping agnosticism”. Call it what you like. Ignore it to your own demise.

We tend to think of agnosticism in terms of an intellectual decree of some sort; “I am agnostic” or “I am atheist” or “I am God-fearing” or even “I believe“. I have yet to experience such spiritual perfection, proposed by terms such as these – and I am OK with this part of my humanness.

What choice is there other than this? Being self-righteous is the only other choice.

Peace,

Danny S

My Own Concept

Although it was their experience and their intent, I did not realize at first that the co-founders where proposing in the Big Book that I HAD to find “God”. How ever I conceptualized Him was of no import, as long as it was He.

I started with my Group, and this was all that was necessary for me to make a beginning. (We are not meant to end up with the same concept later, but for then, it was good enough).

I thought these Big Book thumpers were trying to cram THEIR God down my throat – and maybe some were – but mostly it was my own prejudice lying to me. The co-authors certainly were not trying to do that.

This prejudice and intolerance prohibited me from hearing THE message from a lot of truly loving folks who were there to help me when I was new.

The point I finally got was that they knew I needed to find a new power to solve my problems and I could not do until I removed MYSELF from being God – stop blowing my own fanfare out of my own ass.

It is easy to be stuck here unless we have an experienced sponsor – someone who has had the spiritual experience as the result of these steps and been given the power to help others.

Many people new at this, AAs sober 10, 15, 20 years who I have sponsored also get stuck here just like I did. It has been great to use the idea that my conception of God can be anything I like, as long as it makes sense to me. I have a written concept around somewhere; I will never show anybody. But it worked!

It made sense to me, so that when it came decision time (Step 3) I had a visualized entity. I said OK I have decided and started writing my fourth step. How did I know I had taken step three? I was on Step 4, that is how.

I really have no idea what God is like and I try to steer clear of those who claim to have that one definitive description. For all I know he’s an old, big fat, white bearded guy in a flowing robe – sitting on a huge purple velvet lined throne with Jesus sitting on one knee and Elvis on the other – and calls everyone “Cuz“.

That beats a light bulb,no?

At least the concept doesn’t make me feel like an idiot when I ask Him to remove my shortcomings – something that a chair or a doorknob may have difficulty doing.

“Sure Cuz!” He’d say! “Now go help that puking drunk.”

How can I expect a protegee to take me seriously when we get to Step 7 – if he needs to refer to a ceiling tile as “My Creator” – asking “it” for help in removing character defects?

I’d have to have a problem other than alcoholism, and also probably need a stay in a rubber room somewhere.

I only have my own “Conception” for recovery – and for living purposes that assists in abdicating me from the almighty throne.

I can however attest without prejudice to His loving nature which become operative in my life – but I have an innate feeling that all descriptions – whether biblical, whimsical or imaginary – ALL will fall well short of describing Him anyway.

So I don’t really try to be right about this. How can I be?

Trying to be right about God has been a futile ego trip for me in the past – when I was sure that I approached full comprehension or understanding of this Power, God.

I also know how I feel when someone else tries to get me to see their God the way THEY do. I don’t like it – do you?

All I know is the limited experience I have had with Him, most notably the realization that my agnosticism exposes itself in each and every self-sufficient moment I entertain when ego re-emerges – and it does so on a daily basis. I call it “creeping agnosticism”. Call it what you like. Ignore it to your own demise.

We tend to think of agnosticism in terms of an intellectual decree of some sort; “I am agnostic” or “I am atheist” or “I am God-fearing” or even “I believe“. I have yet to experience such spiritual perfection, proposed by terms such as these – and I am OK with this part of my humanness.

What choice is there other than this? Being self-righteous is the only other choice.

Peace,

Danny S

BYOG

Bring Your Own God

I did have a problem with religion when I can into the Fellowship.

I was against it.

I thought religious folk were hypocrites, pious and probably all going to hell all the while they thought they were going to heaven.

Then I found that AA had no GOD it wanted me to honor or worship. They said I could bring my own God. And they even were telling religious people to keep their own religion – if they wished to do so. That’s how I knew AA was not religion, because how could one bring a religion to a religion. It’d be against the religion.

Then I REALLY knew that it wasn’t a trick to get me to accept a religion. That was when they told me if I did not HAVE a God, then I could invent one as an experiment just so I could try out the treatment. That’s no that’s NOT a RELIGION talking. So it is pitiful to me when I see the Anti-AA Cults come marching in with their wiles about AA being a religion.

Since I was not initially on “Speaking terms” with the God of my understanding or anyone’s understanding for that matter. But something was necessary to step into place for ME as GOD. I took a temporary “god” – my AA group. That was all there was to making a beginning. Nothing more. Nothing less. Very uncomplicated and very un-mysterious once I got down to it.

Today I still have what some might term a “problem” with religions. I’m still totally against them for myself. If AA were a religion, I’d have nothing to do with it!! Yet I have developed an incredible relationship with my newfound Friend. He is my own concept, which I have never revealed to a single soul. He has never let me down. Not in life. Not in sobriety. THIS is spirituality in my life.

How it will be for you, I cannot say. But I hope you stick around long enough to tell me one day.

Peace,

Danny S

Playing God

If I look up the word “Resent” it turns out the Latin word “Sentir” means “To feel” , and when I put a “Re” in front of any word, it means “Again” , so the word resent means “To feel again”.

Once someone wrongs me in some way I usually feel some sort of negative response. If I am on “Top of my game” it just rolls off me like water off a ducks back. But then after a while, after I have reviewed in my mind what happened – and have felt the anger or anxiety again, I shift to the next step, which is resentment.

I’m feeling it again even though it isn’t really happening again. If my guard is down, and as a non-saint this happens frequently, the first little twinge of annoyance, anger or frustration gets the “Playback” in my head, I feel it again - and it is a resentment. A fatal condition for an alcoholic.

Even worse, as I playback the real or imagined harm done to me in my head, I become less and less involved in the incident and the OTHER guy becomes guiltier and guiltier.

Now it is easy for me to see that a resentment is a JUDGEMENT TOO! I am judging who’s good and who’s evil just like a God might do. I am “Playing God”. In my mind, I AM GOD. And there can be no god who is a power greater than I – while I am He.

Sometimes I can let an incident go without moving into resentment, but as a self-centered alcoholic, that can be difficult since drunks like to keep score of these things so to bring it back up later. Maybe to get even or play a little one-ups-manship.

So this is why my 4th Step Inventory resentment list is so long. I had been operating in this fashion for forty years. And if these type of little incidents are happening in my life day in and day out for that long – well, there is no way my resentment list could be anything but a LOOONG LIST.

By the way can you imagine how worn out my body would be getting – what with all this reenacting of events over and over -that aren’t even happening anymore? If my body is producing adrenalin. If my muscles are tensing – my brain biochemical actions are pulsing like crazy and I am preparing for “Fight or Fight” – meanwhile all I am really doing is driving down the road in my car or quietly fuming over a cup of Latte at Starbucks . . .

. . . it’s no wonder so many of us get so old and ugly before our time.

Our bodies get worn out like overused door hinges. You old haggard folks – aging poorly – who are forty and look sixty – might know what I am talking about. If you are honest. It ain’t all from the bottle baby. Alcohol didn’t do it to you. YOU did it to you – and you are dying from the inside out!

Peace,

Danny S

Playing God

If I look up the word “Resent” it turns out the Latin word “Sentir” means “To feel” , and when I put a “Re” in front of any word, it means “Again” , so the word resent means “To feel again”.

Once someone wrongs me in some way I usually feel some sort of negative response. If I am on “Top of my game” it just rolls off me like water off a ducks back. But then after a while, after I have reviewed in my mind what happened – and have felt the anger or anxiety again, I shift to the next step, which is resentment.

I’m feeling it again even though it isn’t really happening again. If my guard is down, and as a non-saint this happens frequently, the first little twinge of annoyance, anger or frustration gets the “Playback” in my head, I feel it again - and it is a resentment. A fatal condition for an alcoholic.

Even worse, as I playback the real or imagined harm done to me in my head, I become less and less involved in the incident and the OTHER guy becomes guiltier and guiltier.

Now it is easy for me to see that a resentment is a JUDGEMENT TOO! I am judging who’s good and who’s evil just like a God might do. I am “Playing God”. In my mind, I AM GOD. And there can be no god who is a power greater than I – while I am He.

Sometimes I can let an incident go without moving into resentment, but as a self-centered alcoholic, that can be difficult since drunks like to keep score of these things so to bring it back up later. Maybe to get even or play a little one-ups-manship.

So this is why my 4th Step Inventory resentment list is so long. I had been operating in this fashion for forty years. And if these type of little incidents are happening in my life day in and day out for that long – well, there is no way my resentment list could be anything but a LOOONG LIST.

By the way can you imagine how worn out my body would be getting – what with all this reenacting of events over and over -that aren’t even happening anymore? If my body is producing adrenalin. If my muscles are tensing – my brain biochemical actions are pulsing like crazy and I am preparing for “Fight or Fight” – meanwhile all I am really doing is driving down the road in my car or quietly fuming over a cup of Latte at Starbucks . . .

. . . it’s no wonder so many of us get so old and ugly before our time.

Our bodies get worn out like overused door hinges. You old haggard folks – aging poorly – who are forty and look sixty – might know what I am talking about. If you are honest. It ain’t all from the bottle baby. Alcohol didn’t do it to you. YOU did it to you – and you are dying from the inside out!

Peace,

Danny S