Skulls Crack

Trying To Define Alcoholism

I get to read a lot of articles about “alcoholism”. People send them to me mostly. Others come through a clipping service I employ. There are articles about this discovery and that discovery – about this genetic cause for alcoholism or that medication being studied for treatment purposes.

I have learned to take these, not with grains of salt, but with handfuls of the hard rock variety – the kind you toss on your doorsteps in February so you don’t slip and crack your skull wide opened.

That is what it feels like after I read too many of these things. My brain hurts at times. It is hard to form an intelligent opinion on much of this stuff that floats around out there on news-wires and broadcasts since none of “us” – people interested in others with alcohol problems – ever seem to be on the same page when describing or thinking about “alcoholism.”

Some call it a “dependence” some call it an “addiction” some call it “substance abuse” and then there are a dozen or more different ways of describing “alcoholism” itself – with no one agreeing on one idea or describing it at all.

The world is all over the map with no one agreeing on just what is alcoholism. AA described it for their purposes over seventy years ago and now the “for fee” industry is expanding that to widening definitions to include a broader based “paying” markets – for its own profit making purposes. Some might say they are “hijacking” for revision the “description of the alcoholic” – I guess that depends on your perspective.

When it comes to alcoholism I’m a pure AA man myself. I go with what is described in their book, “Alcoholics Anonymous” the book from which the Fellowship derives it’s name. That’s what I use cause that’s what I got – and I hang with people who got what I got! Then, when I did what the co-authors did I also Got what hey got – I got a spiritual awakening and consequentially all of my problems were solves – EVEN INCURABLE ALCOHOLISM! I am equally convinced that diseases like cancer diabetes and heart disease can also be resolved through such awakenings.

I have experienced relief from chronic colitis, diverticular disease, high blood lipids, depression, anxiety, advanced arthritis and even financial problems and the dreaded “FEAR OF FINANCIAL INSECURITY” – all as the result of spiritual awakenings and spiritual growth. My kids are well adjusted and emotionally secure. My relationship with my wife is healthy and we are happy. Our home bursts with jocularity and contentment when we are all together – like a circus tent. No one is ill – no one is sick – there is no fighting or yelling or screaming beyond an occasion misunderstanding – and even then anger is never a problem. These are not hearsay ‘wonders’ to me. These are problems that a loving God has solved and gifts that He has given to and for us so that we could become useful on this planet. At least I am convinced that that is why He did it. It certainly is not because I deserve it for my saintly lifestyle.

Here is another “cool” thang . . . . . I am not afraid to tell you about any of it. I have no fear that I will ‘jinx’ it if I do – as if these things are because of sort of fairy’s charm and if the fairy hears me talk about it she’ll snap it away from us. Or because some tricky god up there will interpret my story as exhibiting braggadocio and egotism – so therefore I must be taught a lesson and be stricken with financial ruin and disease and drinking. I am not afraid that the “other shoe” will drop – because we have faith – faith in a LOVING GOD, not in some ogre in the sky just waiting for us to slip up so he can yank our happiness away – give us cancer and force us into fear of financial insecurity.

See?

This is ALL from having a spiritual awakening as the result of the steps. They are not from “Doin’ another AWOL” – Jeeeze do you AWOL people ever freakin recover or ever even come out here into the trenches to twelve step other alkies? They are not from “One Day at A Time” either. They are not because I “Just don’t drink.” and they sure as shit aren’t from “Going to lots of meetings”.

It all began when first I learned to concede to my innermost self that I was alcoholic. But how could I ever have done that if I did not now what alcoholisms is – how hopeless the solution without divine intervention? I cannot. I can run around yelling, “I AM AN ALCOHOLIC” all I want – but if I use any description other than the one, the AA one, which depicts hopelessness then I will always have some hope – call it “the lurking notion” - that I can “share” my way out – ‘doctor’ my way out – ‘rehab my way out’ or use my self-will as in “JUST DON’T DRINK”. All of these mean that I think that I have Power over alcohol and if any of these work – then I DO – and don’t need a spiritual awakening to get in touch with God so He can hand His power over to flow through me and remove the problem – ALL my problems.

When some journalist or doctor is writing his findings or opinions about what he calls alcoholism – it may or may not — probably not — apply to anything that I know to be what I got.

Even within the fellowship itself – we have so many folks with outside ideas, brought in from their rehab adventures of what alcoholism is that are so completely foreign to AA’s “description of the alcoholic” that they must steer clear of the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous or else undergo such a severe cases of Cognitive Dissonance I doubt that the county’s mental health system could bear the load if they all would seek help at one time.

This is so predominant that hardly anyone in AA’s own membership can tell you if asked what “Our description of the alcoholic” actually is. Which means that they cannot help other alcoholics do anything even close to recovering.

For what description has the AA Fellowship developed a Program? I can tell you that it most likely is not the description you were given by your friendly counselor in at the detox center. For the most part – AAs description of the alcoholic is bad for business if you are in the treatment business. AA s description automatically eliminates a solution through human aid – and the treatment industry and “addictions” counselors are in the business of providing human aid.

Haven’t you ever wondered why it is that you were more confused about AA and the Twelve Steps after you got out of rehab than when you first went in? It’s true isn’t it? You’re damned right it is – and that is no accident.

If, as your Big Book explains, you have “ passed into the region from which there is no return through human aid” (25:3) then those who provide such human aid cannot be included in your recovery which means that you are not a source of money to them.

Do you see now how important it is for the treatment industry to REDEFINE alcoholism – to take it back from Alcoholics Anonymous – and how if they do not then they have no industry?

If I fit Dr. Phil’s idea of alcoholism don’t you think that I might do well to pursue the Dr. Phil’s solution? I think so. If I fit AA’s idea of alcoholism does it not make sense to reject Dr. Drew Pinky’s concepts and pursue AA’s solution?

Shouldn’t I find out who’s description I fit so that I can seek help from the appropriate person or organization?

How can I ever have an intelligent conversation with someone say, Dr. Drew, if he thinks that alcoholism is determined by consequences of drinking – he does - and I think it is a mental obsession combined with a physical allergy? We cannot have that conversation – we would both be hitting our heads against each others – getting nowhere.

Let’s use the tiniest bit of common sense here, all right? If Dr. Drew prescribes ten hours a week of psycho therapy and anger management for my alcoholism and THAT WORKS – then what the hell do I need a AA for? And if AA prescribes a spiritual awakening as the result of the steps – wouldn’t I be foolish to ignore that and instead follow Dr. Phil’s advice? I will be told that I need AA for “group support” because that’s what AA is turned into. It is no longer a spiritual entity the sole purpose of which is “sobriety: Freedom from alcohol through the teaching and practice of the twelve steps.” it is now feeling “Happy joyous and free” through “sharing”. Apparently there are folks out there who if they are happy enough, joyous enough and free enough then they “Just wont drink”. WOW. I wish I could do that.

My solution would have been “Just join the circus.” What a clown I’ d have made.

No one is on the same page when it comes to describing alcoholism. Alcoholic Anonymous uses a very specific description and has a program designed to treat that description. It may not be designed to treat your type of drinking problem. Not everyone who has a drinking problem is going to fit AAs description of the alcoholic.

Not sure what AA’s “our description of the alcoholic” is? It is on pages one through 43 of the book, “Alcoholics Anonymous”. Maybe it would be an intelligent thing to do – to learn it - before saying “I am an alcoholic” in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous – unless you know what that means.

Peace,

Danny S

PS – Have you ever noticed that the co-authors of the Big Book, “Alcoholics Anonymous” never say that they have “defined” alcoholism – only that they “describe” it? In fact they offer no definitions of anything!

Do you know why that is? I think that we can see why that is – and fairly easily too. More on that exact topic later next week.

Take My Blood

“And All The Rest of Me Too – While You’re At It.”

Picture the oldest, most cantankerous knucklehead with the most obviously unhappy disposition and twenty or thirty years of “sobriety” that you know in your own Home Group – who does nothing more than spout slogans and crap in meetings. If you would rather use a “happy, joyous and free” personality then be my guest. That will work as well. Suppose it is a fact that he does not fit “Our description of the alcoholic” (Only he can know right? But lets just suppose for now.)

We all know”that guy” right? His or her major contribution to the Fellowship is “Just showing up” to be a “Powerful example” – to throw onto the meeting floor a few pithy “shares” during the week and has one or two “sponsees” that he tells “Easy Does It” or “One Day at A Time” if asked, “When can I take the twelve Steps”?

Putting aside how many real alcoholics this guy has killed during his “Middle-of-road solutions” (25:3) based AA career – think about this:

How might that guy react to the truth if he were to study and comprehend the first forty three pages of the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous – the pages that clearly detailed exactly what a “real alcoholic” is for the purposes of membership and recovery through the spiritual awakening?

Do you think he is going to leap up from his folding chair, click his heels like a Leprechaun and say, “Oh PRAISE JESUS! I can stop going to meetings – I was wrong after all – I am NOT a REAL ALCOHOLIC! Now I have learned my truth.”?

No freakin’ way. He’ll develop contempt for the truth of Step One – of the Big Book – of what he perceives as Big Book Thumpers, Nazis or “AA zealots.” He may even react viciously like a rabid coon trapped in a “Havahart” trap. Have you ever trapped one of those cute little buggers?

Yeah, they’re “cute” alright. They are aggressive and vicious little bastards with sharp-assed fangs and they that want to kill you – which all becomes apparent as they try to bite and claw their way out the reality that they are in the WRONG PLACE – and would rather have their teeth sunk into your jugular vein.

I’ll make a comparison here but first I need to set the stage and to do that I need to get personal — just briefly.

During the first twenty years of my life I adored and worshipped my Dad. Rightly so. I wish all son’s could have that – as they should. I mean I used to not empty the sand from the pockets of my Wranglers after a day of Surf casting at Jones beach - because it was the sand that “we” walked on together.

For the second twenty years of my life my own self-centeredness and untreated alcoholism had me estranged from him.

We had a falling out, which was my fault caused stemming from my years of training for complete assholdom. The details are irrelevant.

Then eight years ago I “accidentally” discovered that this man whom I had no reason to ever doubt was my father was in fact, not

I was in the middle of amends and after all those active alcoholic years I contacted him by letter to see if I could fly down to Florida to set straight the matter that had separated us. His idea of setting things straight was not the same as mine. He wanted my blood. It took fourty years for him to do is, but now suddenly he wanted to investigate his doubts of paternity.

NOW you tell me!

After the initial shock had lightened up a bit I had the blood-test he requested. A “negative” report was issued from the lab. All the while I never once even heard the sound of his voice – and I have never heard from of of him since – except that he contacted one of sisters to tell her that as a result of the blood-test I would now be excluded from his Will – as if he were a Getty or a Hilton or something. I have to laugh a little. (Do I hear the word “contest?” Why, yes I do!)

That was eight years ago and for this past decade, as an adult I have been a “fatherless” child. I had been deceived for all of my life by family plus I no longer held the heritage I thought I did.

A bubble that I assumed mine and mine alone – the very blood that ran through my veins – that no one could take away from me, was burst and drained in an explosive williwaw. It it true that the sword of truth can have a double edge. Pulling it out is just as painful and draws as much blood and the first plunge.

Talk about being devastated — this one went deep and long. There were times when I had to pull off to the side of the road while driving just to compose myself and not cause an accident.

He hadn’t just “died” suddenly. He was murdered at the hand of my own loved ones. Somebody knew -and wouldn’t let me in on it. The pain of the deceit combined with the grieving of loss is heavy. Any alcoholic who has lived in an alcoholic home – with the typical deciets deceptions, lies and cover-ups that make Clinton’s Whitehouse look like a Monestary, will know that level of pain under various circumstances. Certainly anyone who has lost a loved to another’s hand surely will.

Why write about this? Who gives a shit besides me, my kids and wife? (who would at least like to know for medical history purposes as well as knowing what THEIR heritage and that of their OWN will be) — probably no one.

The situation does however allow a look at a part of human nature with which all of us are familiar.

The holding of lies as truth and then learning the truth about the falsehood. It can be an ego deflating proposition. The first time I remember experiencing this was the inconsolable moments I spent after learning there was no Santa Clause. I did not care about the jolly fat bastard – - what bothered me was that I had been deceived by those who I depended upon for honestly and protection. And I felt the fool as well.

This can be personal humiliation that embarrasses but also pains – and for a real alcoholic like I am always requires inventory. ALWAYS.

But what about people who have spent years and years participating in a fellowship created solely for alcoholics – calling themselves “ALCOHOLICS” and yet in truth have absolutely no valid basis for the label?

How do they react when faced with the idea that after all, they may NOT be really alcoholic – that they actually do have and have demonstrated well that they HAVE POWER over alcohol without AA – without a “Higher Power” and without a spiritual awakening- maybe by putting the “Plug in the jug” or “Keeping it green” or ” Just don’t drink no matter what”?

It is no wonder the Big Book is the most absent item in meetings. It teaches us what alcoholism is and what it isn’t. There are just too many of us who cannot withstand the exposure that such knowledge would bring. “Memberships” and egos would never survive it.

We all know what “Group Conscience” – but many groups that I have visited around the country and world would have a “Group Conniption” if they ran out of coffee – but they don’t worry much about running out of Big Books do they? Even if they have one on display it’s often one of few in possession and always seems to be available. The real solution to real alcoholism doesn’t get sold – as long as we “Keep Coming Back”, right?

Well, “I’ve kept coming back for a few years now, and aside from your boring discussions I can’t help but notice that you STILL have the same Big Book up on that table there guys”.

What’s up with that?

When I learned the truth about my “dad” or whoever that “guy” was who now wants nothing to do with me – for forty years, the truth is that he’s not my “dad” and it always has been the truth – whatever I might have believed. But I had a Programmed method of turning on a new God consciousness and a relationship with Him that brought me through it. It is called practicing these principles in all of my affairs.

If I hadn’t, then I would probably either still be carrying around that resentment, bedeviled and miserable and maybe even denying the truth to my own “self“

People have been known to do that. It is a mental instability but not all that uncommon.

Have you ever heard of “cognitive dissonance”*?

It is very prevalent in AA meetings by non-alcoholics. I will probably write about it one day soon.

Peace,

Danny S

*cognitive dissonance

NOUN:
Psychology
A condition of conflict or anxiety resulting from inconsistency between one’s beliefs and one’s actions, such as opposing the slaughter of animals and eating meat.

Something IS going to happen – and we don’t know what it is.

Non adherence to – and ignorance of AAs Primary Purpose extends so far into the Fellowship – to the point where the original purpose of the Fellowship is becoming so ineffective that we who still hold to Program are beginning to wonder:

Where to we go now? Our own Fellowship eschews us. Do we stay and just keep keeping on and maybe they’ll go away. Or is the Fellowship really dead and our cognitive dissonance keeps blind and keep us coming. Is this REALLY just the old recovered/recovering – - the Weak AA/Strong AA issue – or is this something more?

These are serious questions that I cannot believe I am even asking. I don’t know the answers.

I do know that I see people dying, in AA, and many of us are standing by idly watching. Is that because we are tolerant, patient and wise – or is it because we are part of the problem? Apathetic.

Is this the beginning of a NEW Fellowship – a painful evolutionary splintering where a NEW AA, maybe not even CALLED AA – emerges? Perhaps a new Fellowship of the Spirit? — a process not foreign over the centuries to the great religions, kingdoms, countries and corporations.

Answers. Answers. Answer. I have none. I don’t even know if the questions are valid. My love for this Fellowship and gratitude for those who went before keeps me in wonderment and questioning. And watching and waiting. Something IS going to happen – and we don’t know what it is.

Peace,

Danny S