God, Prayer and Chinese Food

I do read my emails. OK you’re right. I AM a Big Book Thumper. (But do you really need to use the word Nazi? I’d hate to live inside YOUR head if you do.) - and no – praying has not been enough for me. I need action too.

Some people say that if they ask God in the morning to keep them away from a drink – and thank Him at night – that is sufficient. Hell, if that works for them I would not change a thing. I know it did not work for me. Then there are those who complain about too much “God” talk in the meetings will scare away newcomers. That too contradicts my experience.

In my first AA meeting – I sat with my infant son clutched like a football in my arms in a crowded meeting – in the back – trying to hide from the “Elders” who held a gavel and sat at desks facing everyone. Obviously the people “In charge”.

Behind them, mounted to the church basement wall were two shades – you know the ones. They were covered with black and red lettering. From where I sat I could not make out what they read, but they had a definite resemblance to giant Chinese menus – the ones we used to get in New York City anyway – the kind that get littered through the halls and under doors in Manhattan to advertise take-out and delivery fare from the local “Wall of China” or “Wang’s Wok.”

No matter how hard I try to come up with a metaphoric relation to the Chinese menus – all I come up with is “God Delivers” Pretty poor – I know. Some writer I am.

But if I squinted I did make out one word that appeared throughout one of those shades – the one on the right. It was the word “God” and it was mentioned numerous times, peppered through the numbered paragraphs.

I did not freak out, as I hear so many other say they did. Instead I felt a wave of relief fall over me.

I had been away from God for so long and felt that He had left me either for dead or the Devil – considering the life I had been leading and what a hypocrite I had been in claiming to believe.

I had been praying for many years for Him to “Please God, make me stop doing this.” – and He never did.

I felt cut-off – beyond redemption – like some sort of fallen angel or even like an obvious comparison to – “The Prodigal Son”. Every “New” transgression – every drunk, every snort of cocaine, every lie to my wife and others, every theft of household money – surely only contributed to the punishing state of the affairs in my unmanageable life. Sure, this hair-shirt called self-pity so tightly fitting to me would be impossible to ever remove.

But the relief I felt upon seeing that word “God” on the shade on that wall in the basement at the front, behind the “leaders” – came from somewhere inside and told me, “Maybe these people can sort of slowly get me back to Him”.

I figured as long as these people were not heathens – it could’nt hoite.

But I really did not want to meet Him at that moment – still there was a quiet inner knowing that I was in the right place. What mad me resistant in that moment was nothing more than fear – the kind of fear that a little boy feels when his secret disobedience might finally be addressed by Dad. I feared facing my Father. I would have much preferred to put off that confrontation as long as I could. I was ashamed. I was guilty.

If you will recall, Bill W was not “Struck sober” upon first being presented with the solution by Ebby – that solution was God. The God of the Oxfords – which flatly refused. BUT he was later – in a matter of days “Struck sober”, as his “Hot flash” story tells us.

Later it would be the same for me — two years later along with wanting to end my life with my shotgun and a relapse. It was then that I had my “Hot flash” or spiritual experience as I prefer to call it. I haven’t had the desire to drink since. I haven’t because I finally found myself so sick of soul that only God could provide a remedy. And I cried out in desperation for His will to be done – even if it meant splattering my head on the ceiling from the edge of my bed.

He had other plans.

Today I do not ask God to keep me sober another day. I am already sober today and the insane obsession has been removed. He doesn’t need to keep sober a recovered alcoholic who doesn’t have a desire to drink anymore. The problem has been solved. Instead I do this: *

EACH EVENING

I start with the 12 evening questions from P. 86 I try to be constructive as much as possible. I try to look at the good I have done during the day so I am not zeroing in on my objectionable traits only. After all, God has made some changes in me.
1. Where was I resentful?
2. Were was I selfish?
3. Were was I dishonest?
4. Were was I afraid?
5. Do I owe an apology?
6. Have I kept something to myself, which should be discussed with
another person at once?
7. Were was I kind toward all?
8. Were was I Loving toward all?
9. What could I have done better?
10.Were was I thinking of myself most of the time?
11.Were was I thinking of what I could do for others?
12. Were was I thinking of what I could pack into the stream of life?

” Forgive me God for each of these areas where I have failed you and fallen short of being able to be as effective as I could have been for you. Forgive me and help me live Thy will better tomorrow by showing me how to correct these errors. Guide me and direct me to do
better tomorrow. Remove my arrogance and my fear. Show me how to make my relationships with my others right. Grant me the humility and strength to do Thy will. Amen”

If I was resentful, dishonest, selfish, unkind, unloving, if I owe an apology or if I have kept things to myself, I remember these for my morning prayers so I can include these specifically and ask God for help and improvement in these areas. If an answer comes to me, try to
remember it. (I have recently begun doing this as a written exercise – but I also don’t feel it is totally necessary – it’s just good for me – and my friend Peter M suggested it a while back. The benefits have been staggering)

When I say my morning prayers, I ask God for help in those areas – if it is His will.
Now I spend 10-15 minute in meditation.

EACH MORNING
Upon awakening, prior to even rising out from bed, I take care of
these areas:

1) I think about the 24 hours ahead: I contemplate what I would like to be and what God might want me to be.

2) I consider my plans for the day: I think about what God wants me to do and how I am to live His will. I determine what my vision for what God’s will is for me today. I already am remembering the amends I’ve discovered from last night’s 10th step. I start out my day with
the making of these amends in my plan and I ask myself what else would God want me to do today?

Now, I usually need to use the bathroom. I do so.

Upon returning I start these Big Book prayers. These are in addition to my meditation, (Which many confuse with reading anything called “Meditation” and contemplative prayers) I keep my prayers & meditation as two very distinct activities.

“God I am yours to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Release me at long last God from the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, especially the trouble I am having with (NAME IT) that YOUR victory these may bear witness to those I would help of Love, Thy Power and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always! Remove my fears and direct my attention toward what you would have me be, not what I would have me be. Instead God give me whatever intuitive thought, and inspirations you require for me to have in order that I may know your will and receive the power you give to carry that out. Help me to have an intuitive thought or a decision with regard to (Something I might be facing this day). Father, help me to not struggle with this. Help me to relax and take it easy instead. Help me know what I should do, keeping me mindful that You are running the show.

Direct my thinking today God, and keep it divorced from self-pity, dishonesty and self-seeking motives. Help me employ my mental faculties, that my thought-life may be placed on the
higher plane of inspiration and help me to pay attention throughout the day to this vital sixth sense.”

“My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, both good and bad. I ask that you now remove from me every single defect of character, which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, God as I go out from here to do Thy
bidding. Show me today how to find Patience, Tolerance, Kindness and Love in my heart, my mind and my soul and help me demonstrate these to my family and to those about me.

Remove from me my selfishness, all dishonesty, resentment and fear. Whichever of these crop up today God, help me to immediately share these feelings with others and guide me toward making immediate amends if need be, that I might live serenely with the people about
me.

Lord, help me to not think of myself, instead, help me think of others and help me be loving and tolerant toward them. Father, keep me spiritually fit today, by helping me to not fight with anything or anyone — even alcohol. Show me what I can do today for the man who
is still sick.”

“My Father, help me live the twelve steps of my recovery life, the twelve traditions of my Group and my family life and all the principles of AA in my entire life. Remove from me my character defects, specifically profanity, dishonesty, arrogance, false pride, sarcasm, judgment of others and fear, especially God the fear of what others think of and about me.

Watch over me, protect me and care for me. Give me the strength, courage and faith I need to do Thy bidding. Keep me mindful of Thy presence Lord and help me know you better and help keep my house in order.

“God, should I find myself agitated, doubtful or indecisive today, give me inspiration. Show me all through this day, what my next step is to be. Give me the strength, faith and courage I need to take care of the problems in my life today. I ask especially Lord, that you free me
from self-will and fear. Amen”

Then I spend 10-15 minute in meditation. I use a simple non-religious non “Eastern” method, which I find non-hypnotic, and extremely effective. It is an very powerful mediation technique I had learned over twenty five years ago and no more time than this is needed. In fact I have found that anymore than this can often be counterproductive and harmful.

This sounds like allot of prayer! I know. If you had told me fifteen years ago when I was out there that I would be doing this stuff – I might have thought you were nuts! But miracles delivered into ones life tend to change psyches and the way one thinks and acts. (Not the other way around) Mine sure has changed — and I have the spiritual lifeboat – called AA and it’s the Fellowship of the Spirit, to thank.

Peace

Danny S

*I believe this is how my Big Book tells me I should do this – but I do not represent AA as a whole. These actions and prayers are my own as I have extrapolated from out of the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous. If I have left anything out, or if there is anything in this which does not adhere precisely to the prayer portions of our Program of recovery as outlined in the Big Book, then please ignore it. But it is as exacting as I could get it and I have been doing this for enough years to know it works in keeping me growing spiritually and being of service to others.

Skipping Some Stuff?

Maybe that’s not such a good idea. I can always tell an AA who probably doesn’t work much (Or at all) with other alcoholics by the degree of irreverence with which he speaks of Chapters 8 & 9.

How well do I know the Chapter “To Wives”?
Do I skimp over it, because “I am not a wife”?

How self-centered is that?

Relapse, for an alcoholic who at last comes to us for help, can be devastating to the families of the person making a beginning. Sometimes it is family that works against the newcomer – but most often not.

This excerpt from the Big Book (“To Wives”) talks about relapse and the role of a spouse – talking about how the spouse can be supportive and how they can also work against recovery and the subject of separation:

“It is possible to dig up past misdeeds so they become a blight – a veritable plague. For example, we know of situations in which the alcoholic or his wife has had love affairs. In the first flush of spiritual experience they forgave each other and drew closer together. The miracle of reconciliation was at hand. Then, under one provocation or another, the aggrieved one would unearth the old affair and angrily cast its ashes about. A few of us have had these growing pains and they hurt a great deal. Husbands and wives have sometimes been obliged to separate for a time until new perspective, new victory over hurt pride could be re-won. In most cases, the alcoholic survived this ordeal without relapse, but not always. So we think that unless some good and useful purpose is to be served, past occurrences should not be discussed.”

“We families of Alcoholics Anonymous keep few skeletons in the closet. Everyone knows about the others’ alcoholic troubles. This is a condition which, in ordinary life, would produce untold grief; there might be scandalous gossip, laughter at the expense of other people, and a tendency to take advantage of intimate information. Among us, these are rare occurrences. We do talk about each other a great deal, but we almost invariably temper such talk by a spirit of love and tolerance.” (125:1)

Personally I can only treat these as marrieds.

It isn not my place to foster my personal judgments in this area. It is not my job to act as someone else’s moral compass. I am dealing with an individual’s alcoholism, not his sexual morals.

Those he will deal with, with his Creator in a sex inventory which, if honest done, will indicate his self-centered behaviors and thoughts in this area. God will be doing the showing, not me.

I have observed how difficult it can be when a person embarks on a spiritual journey, and leaves behind a spouse/partner. I have also worked with one man whose wife HAD this Program herself – through Al-Anon Family Groups. Remarkably she began to show great interest in reconciliation once her husband had taken the first three steps and began his fourth step inventory. He was changing right before our eyes. It was remarkable.

This was something she never expected, and had sworn him off for life – for the sake of her sanity and children. In their frequent phone contact and his occasional visits with the children, she saw a change coming over him. There was great hope for the family that began to seep in. Something miraculous was taking place.

Even though we had been going through the Steps as rapidly as possible (The 1st three steps in two days and writing inventory by the 3rd) the man who had been making such a good beginning, who was literally changing before our eyes in attitude and thought, was swayed by middle-of-the-road fellowshipper who told him he was “Going too fast”, that I, his sponsor, was a Nazi, and he might commit suicide if he continued on this path.

He succumbed to the MOTR (Middle-of-the-road) pressure and gave up the Program, opting instead for straight fellowship and going to meetings — without the Steps.

I called him up one morning to see how he was doing on his inventory and set the appointment for his Fifth Step – and I could pick up a sickening lilt to his voice as he recited, “Danny Boy . . . . I’m just takin’ it a day at a time”. I instantly got nauseous. I knew we had lost him, that someone had gotten to him.

It was the same sickening feeling I got not long ago on the LIE watching a man with his torso twisted 180 degrees – front to back – after a van had smacked his motorcycle down onto the pavement – he was momentarily dazed and conscious – and he didn’t even know he was already dead. I puked for an hour afterwards.

This his wife also sensed – as his growth ceased and they are now divorced and the man’s considerable wealth had been more than halved. She chalked it up as “Just another one of Joe’s tricks”.

In the following weeks he finally relapsed too and has not been heard from since. Poor bugger.

This is a BIG issue with the men we work with, and good reason to make damned sure that we are well briefed on the contents of the chapter “To Wives” – the chapter that even some Big Book Thumper skims over in – what I think - is pure selfishness.

Peace,

Danny S

Tolerance or MOTR Apathy?

I have only seen other real alcoholics identify with the conditions and malady of other real alcoholic like the men I sponsor and me. The solution for one will be the same for both. When a little “water” seeps into one person’s solution (Ego & half measures) and yet they remain sober – they realize more and more that perhaps they are not real alcoholics and the spiritual solution become less and less imperative.

The real alcoholic’ solution they first embraced now begins to look a little too harsh to them.

They slip away from the original recipe they started out with and become comfortable with middle-of-the –road solutions and reinvent their own solution to be a mix of BB quotes and fellowship-psychobabble – calling it “tolerance”.

Then “We” who have experienced a total reorganization of being through a spiritual experience gotten by doing exactly as the Big book says, suddenly become Nazis.

Little phrases like, “To the best of my ability” and “FOR ME” works into their sharing, like specks of pepper on eggs.

The original patch of ice they’ve slipped on is in NOT working with others, as detailed in the Big Book, so the harm they do is not so close or visible. Working with other alcoholics get replaced with “speaking” BB clips in meetings, mixing it with their own gibberish and before you know it we have another middle-of-the-roader “half-breed.” – whose solution was never the common one to begin with. To the newcomer, this person is a veritable “Guru” with enough Big Book knowledge to sound Program oriented. But they are not really.

They just “Sound” real good and they aren’t drinking. “They must be doing something right”. Very impressive to others.

Try “Working the steps” and leave out the intense work with others – and this will happen.

The real McCoy will drink – and the hard drinker will stay dry, joining the MOTR AA Hobbyist Brigade of meeting bullshit that kills the real alcoholic newcomer. I am seeing it over and over – and I will bet that you are too.

Peace,

Danny S

ACHTUNG! ACHTUNG!

There are loads of us recovered alkies who drift, Big Book under arm, into that unwholesome realm of Program and Big Book Worship and get all caught up in “teaching” these principles in all their affairs, instead of practicing it.

I think that behavior gives recovered drunks a bad name, even in AA. I think it causes newcomers to reject the Big Book. It is such a turn-off. Before long you hear stuff — hateful words like

Nazis.

I would hate to have to live inside the head of a person who would call another Fellow alky a

NAZI.

It makes my skin crawl. What sort of torment must be in that soul? Good God!

But I’ve also seen people come out of it.

And I’ve also seen folks go the other way — I think that this happens as a stage in a degradation of spiritual health, when we “rest on our laurels”. Perhaps I will get an opportunity to tell about my personal experience with that one-day. Not appropriate here.

Peace,

Danny S