Alcoholism – Folded, Spindled and Mutated

Part II
(Final of Two Parts)
See PART I

This dissertation has clearly separated the two maladies. Then let’s look solely at one of those maladies – the “spiritual illness.” spoken of in the Big Book, “Alcoholics Anonymous”

Remember that spiritual illness and alcoholism are not one and the same – not according to the co-authors. They write of these as TWO separate illnesses described in the Big Book – never “folding” the three into a Three Fold Disease.

We can lose that asinine, entirely inaccurate and dangerous phrase from our vocabulary entirely – and we had better. It’s got nothing to do with AA, the Twelve Steps or the Big Book. And steers newcomers off in a direction where they may NEVER be able to concede to their innermost selves that they are alcoholic.

How can they? They haven’t understood what it is they might otherwise admit, if only they had learned the AAs “description of the alcoholic” .

I can tell you that I am a deltiologist but that is meaningless to anyone – even me, since I have no idea what that is. Not a clue. Didn’t even click on the link I just pasted and even if I am one – I have no basis for telling you that I am one.

Anyone who puts there hand up in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous – says, “I am an alcoholic” and cannot give “Our description of the Alcoholic“ is full of shit.

They might BE alcoholic but having no basis for making the claim other than they “have a problem with alcohol” then yes, they are full of it. I will tell you that most – MOST – folks don’t fit the description. I am sorry to say it.

Being spiritually sick is not limited to alcoholics. Lots of people are spiritually ill and are NOT alcoholics. While all alcoholics are spiritually sick – not all those spiritually sick are alcoholics. Now comes the Japanese problem with the words. Spirituality in Japan can mean a lot of different things. Our society is largely based upon monotheistic Judeo-Christian beliefs. We tend to personify and limit our thought of God as one single being and have no similarities with Bukkyo or Shinto thinking. Probably Shinkyo or Katorikku come closest – if my understanding of those are correct. *

The words used by the co-authors are a reflection of their understanding of theological concepts and for them that means “Christian”. The Twelve Steps are deeply rooted in the precepts and concepts of the first Century Christianity movement adopted by the Oxfords. So when the co-authors of the Big Book speak of spiritual illness they mean a human being who does not have a conscious contact with a single God. Like it or not, that’s what they meant.

It IS a God of one’s own understanding – not because they wanted to be sure to include all other monotheistic folks, but because they realized that it is impossible for any one person to have a compete or accurate mental concept of God since God is beyond all human understanding. No one is right or wring about how we individually may characterize God except that we all acknowledge omnipotence and singularity.

So what is “spiritually sick?” There can be forms of it – but whatever the ways that spiritual sickness may manifest itself in people, we are concerned with whatever form will now be healed and with that healing also take away our particular problem with alcohol – MENTAL OBSESSION/INSANITY. We are now to become sane.

So it is simple: Not having God consciousness and a relationship with that God. That’s it!

This separation from God (spiritual malady) is the result of “Resentment”. It doesn’t come from “not attending church” or “attending the wrong church“ or “disobeying parents” or “eating the wrong foods” or anything else except THAT ONE THING: RESENTMENT.

“Resentment is the “number one” offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick.” (63:3)

Understanding this and being willing to deal with resentment it is the key to the door we have ourselves placed a lock – back to God. Resentment separates us from God by it’s very nature because when we are resentful we are “playing God” - and there can only be ONE GOD.

Let me explain that. If I work for you as an employees in a shoe store and we sell shoes – then I sell a pair of shoes which I myself have made and intend to keep the entire proceeds, then I have separated myself from you, my boss, to become my own boss. I am no longer in your employ and I lose all benefits you provide.

The same for resentment. When we resent we are judging. We are condemning someone or judging something as “bad”. We are then claiming the knowledge of “good and evil” and deciding who is guilty an who is innocent in the courtroom of planet earth. That is a judges job. And in the scheme of the universe it is the prerogative of a God. By resenting therefore we are PLAYING GOD and effectively separating ourselves from Him when we do that. NOW WE ARE SPIRITUALLY ILL!

Anyone who resents in any moment has separated himself from God in that moment. What the Twelve Step help us do is discover a fix for resentments so we can remain close to Him. That is all there is to it.

Once we recover from spiritual disease we recover from the OTHER malady TOO – that being alcoholism – and we are free to live life freely, “Assuming we are spiritually fit,” or no longer spiritually ill. ” we can do all sorts of things alcoholics are not supposed to do. People have said we must not go where liquor is served; we must not have it in our homes; we must shun friends who drink; we must avoid moving pictures which show drinking scenes; we must not go into bars; our friends must hide their bottles if we go to their houses; we mustn’t think or be reminded about alcohol at all. Our experience shows that this is not necessarily so.
We meet these conditions every day. An alcoholic who cannot meet them, still has an alcoholic mind; there is something the matter with his spiritual status.” (100:4)

“When the spiritual malady is overcome,” – that’s one malady – being spiritually sickened – “we straighten out mentally and physically.” - that’s the other malady – alcoholism.

Spiritual illness is not the same as the problem we call alcoholism – but spiritual wellness IS the solution!

How do I know when I am “coming down” with a spiritual “flu”? That’s easy! Here are some of the symptoms – they suck, big time!

1. We were having trouble with personal relationships,
2. we couldn’t control our emotional natures,
3. we were a prey to misery and depression,
4. we couldn’t make a living,
5. we had a feeling of uselessness,
6. we were full of fear,
7. we were unhappy,
8. we couldn’t seem to be of real help to other people (All on page 52)

And let’s add a big “BECAUSE” to the end of each and every one of these. “Because I am selfish and self-centered” – and when I am not – then these bedevilments do not manifest in my life.

Peace,

Danny S

*Portions of this article have been extrapolated out of a letter to a reader in Tokyo who wanted clarification on “spiritual illness”.

Misery Loves Company

There’s a whole breed of folks today who like to say that they, “Go to meetings to hear what happens to people who don’t go to meetings.”

Does that sound a little sick to you? I mean, what kind of a person lives off of — and looks forward to — the misery of others? When did AA become a society of parasites?

In a small way it sort of reminds me of the NASCAR fan theory where fans flock to races not to rejoice with the winners but to take pleasure in the potential and actual wipe outs, injuries and suffering of others. You know . . . just having to look at the train wreck – there’s a sick pleasure in it for some. I happen to LOVE NASCAR racing -but I am one of those folks who get into the whole race – the car, driver and race histories – the particular race issues.

This brings to mind page 52. Most alcoholics I know can identify with what we call the “bedevilments”. I had opportunity just last night to look at these with a newly sober alcoholic at a treatment center. We laughed together just reading it as she blushed with total recognition. This is a common response. It accurately described the way she lives – the way we ALL live until we discover the truth about our malady, decide to do something about it and then vigorously pursue the solution.

If your Book is inconvenient (or your too lazy) here they are:

1. We were having trouble with personal relationships,
2. we couldn’t control our emotional natures,
3. we were a prey to misery and depression,
4. we couldn’t make a living,
5. we had a feeling of uselessness,
6. we were full of fear,
7. we were unhappy,
8. we couldn’t seem to be of real help to other people

My life was rife with every one of these – before AND AFTER I came to AA and became an ardent “Meeting Maker”. Just “showing up” is no panacea for misery I tell you.

Today that has been turned around 180 degrees – because I have recovered and when that happens we become God reliant instead – and so I don’t go to meetings looking for fellow commiserates with whom to identify and feel better.

These days I don’t HAVE to identify with another suffering alcoholic. I already went through that alcoholic identification when I was first twelve Stepped into the Fellowship of the Spirit by a man who was armed with the facts about himself – who KNEW something about alcoholism and KNEW how to tell me about it.

Now “Still suffering” alcoholics have to identify with ME! — So THEY can recover from WHAT I HAVE to bring to THEM!

I have ALREADY recovered and received my gift! Recovered folks such as myself identify with these bedevilments of the past and one of the reasons we seem so grateful after we recover is that although we recognize them – was also know that they are no longer integral posts of our existence, like they were before.

This is a wonderful lesson one can learn and practice out of the Big Book, “Alcoholics “. When just “reading” it – this is not be so apparent – but it DOES become operative once someone practices the few simple “RULES” detailed so precisely in that book. It is a well written and detailed set of proposals that becomes a new design for living.

Everyone has some sort of “Design for living” - whether they admit it or not. We tend to THINK we are free from such, when it is based upon self – but one thing I’ve learned is that we can also be SLAVES TO SELF. That is not freedom.

The Twelve Step design is different than that most of us live under because it is totally altruistic and ego deflating – and from that comes true freedom.

Un-recovered alcoholics can find themselves constantly looking for more out of their lives – discontent – going from meeting to meeting and listening for a new “Happy-thought” du jour - we can take with us so we can feel good about our lives – so we can forget that we are living on page 52 of the Big Book. God forbid.

Peace,

Danny S

Balance THIS!

The best way for this alcoholic to achieve “Balance” was to STOP TRYING. When I did – and instead put my trust in God and not my ability to maintain “balance” – balance came. Ironic huh?

If aspects of my life are suffering from foolish decisions, poor time management, fear, worry and being overworked, subject to “Bedevilments” and my best quip to a newcomer is “I didn’t drink today, so I’m a winner” do I REALLY think that he should want what I have? He’d be a fool.

Recovered alcoholics don ‘t have to live this way. We have a better way.

Ironically, the only times my life has ever gotten imbalanced was when I tried to balance it.

Prior to recovering, I often found myself restless, irritable and discontent, suffering from untreated alcoholism, in AA. What I learned, the hard way, is that things like “Double up on your meetings?” (To feel better) is not a treatment for alcoholism. It’s not a treatment for anything.

Just being dry does not overcoming negative feelings or being overwhelmed either – because as an alcoholic, when I stop drinking I do NOT get better. I get worse.

What they were telling me was to put my life in the hands of “Human aid” – instead of God aid. It took a loving, and experienced Big Book Thumper – who came along and showed my that I had no Program – no matter how many meetings I was going to – if I was a real alcoholic then I was beyond human aid, and a hundred meetings a week would not carry me.

At that time the need for balance in my life was the indicator that something was wrong.

Or should I say “cry” for balance, because isn’t what we do?

Everything I read in my Big book talks about my life coming into order, without me doing a balancing act. As an alcoholic who has lived a rather undisciplined life, I am told that what works is to instead let God discipline me – and I get the Eleventh Step Promises which are less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions.

I become much more efficient. I do not tire so easily because I am not burning up energy foolishly as I did when I was trying to arrange life to suit myself.

Isn’t that what I mean, when I say I need balance? Am I not saying that I want to arrange life to suit me?

Why struggle through life, when I have a new Director, and new Employer. I am the agent, He is the Principle, he is the Father and I am his child?

Balance my life? Me? Yeah . . . and monkeys might fly out of my butt.

Peace,

Danny S

Peace

of Ass.
If your ass falls off “Put it in a bag and take it to a meeting.”

Hardy Har Har. A regular riot. Now let’s get serious for moment – shall we?

If my “Ass is falling off” what that really means is that I must be living on page 52 of the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous – and some of my creeping agnosticism is the order of my day.

That means I am off beam and not centered on God and His will, but MY will. It means that I probably haven’t done my Morning Prayer and meditation. The “Put it in a bag and take it to a meeting” suggestion is telling me to turn it over to human aid.

What will happen is that I may feel better at and perhaps for a short time after that meeting – but the reality is that I am still people centered and not God centered for my happiness. That is something which has been true all my un-recovered life.

This is how so many of us – me included – felt when we lived as “Meeting Makers” — without a Program and not as a recovered member of a Twelve Step Fellowship. Today as life throws its curves and bumps in front of me, there is no longer the urge to “Get to a meeting” to settle myself.

I no longer get “Squirrelly” if I miss a few days, or even a week of meetings. As far as I know, no one regularly characterizes me as a “Serene” man. But certainly I do KNOW serenity, which is one of the hundreds of promises made to me by the authors of the Big Book — provided I take other simple steps. (And in the case of “knowing serenity” – that means I’ve completed my amends)

If the lack of a meeting began to once again affect my serenity — to take me closer to a drink — I’d have to take a real serious look at my spiritual condition.

Being dependent upon meetings to keep my head on straight doesn’t sound like very much freedom to me – and freedom is what I want.

But there is a price for such freedom. They guy who goes from meeting to meeting to dump his crap in the face of the newcomers who have come my meetings looking for hope for a solution to alcoholism doesn’t need to hear how unmanageable life is even though I don’t drink. He doesn’t have to hear from me a bunch of slogans that don’t even have a root in the Program but come out of the brains of some psych-babblers in a treatment center.

He can instead hear me tell how freakin’ GREAT life is when I have a God in my life, a proven Program to keep me close to Him and away from the next first drink. THAT’S what he wants to hear.

His question is, ‘Is there some way – some how – that I can get up and go through a day without ending up drunk?“

And I can tell him YUP! AND you can be happy about it too! And then I can show him how. And believe me . . . it isn’t telling him “Keep coming back – it works if you work it”. My sponsor didn’t show me how to kill alcoholics. He showed me how to pass on a life SAVING Program for alcoholics.

But the complacent part is still a threat, I am warned that is easy to let up on this Step Ten practice and those four “Things”* – and before you know it unmanageability starts to creep in again and there I go heading for trouble – and eventually to alcohol – the subtle foe.

We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. “Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God’s will into all of our activities.” (85:2)

And THAT is living a day at a time. The twenty four hour plan. One Day At A Time – whatever you like to call it. It’s NOT about not drinking a day at a time – watching the clock and hoping to make it to midnight so I can say “I’m a winner – because I didn’t drink today”. That kind of sobriety is just about the shittiest life to live that I can imagine – I don’t want any part of it.

Man, I can’t EVER drink again for the rest of my LIFE! That’s a fact! But I can LIVE a day at a time, which is what I am taught by my Big Book and by those who follow this path.

I was a little leery when I first realized, “Holy crap! These people aren’t just praying in the morning and thanking God at night. . . they are doing this crap ALL DAY LONG!” – the ones that have recovered and stay that way anyway. The “Plug in the juggers?” and the “Just don’t drink today” folks – eh . . not so much.

I can’t EVER drink again and although I am not cured of alcoholism (I still have to follow the directions) my experience proves to me that I sure have made a full recovery and I don’t have to remain still sick and suffering from alcoholism anymore.
(“Oh don’t say “ever” – you’ll jinx your sobriety.” Oh really? When did the Program work VooDoo into it? Give me a break!)

Drastic problems require drastic actions – and although it wasn’t easy to adopt this new design for living, it sure has been simple. Not doing Step Ten continuously IS the complacency – doing Step Ten constantly IS the vigilance that rids me of it. It is the price of freedom.

Peace,

Danny S

* If you are a real alcoholic and don’t know what those four things are – then you probably haven’t even begun AA – I don’t give a crumb how much time you’ve got or how many meetings you go to. You are a newcomer and don’t know squat!

Peace

of Ass.
If your ass falls off “Put it in a bag and take it to a meeting.”

Hardy Har Har. A regular riot. Now let’s get serious for moment – shall we?

If my “Ass is falling off” what that really means is that I must be living on page 52 of the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous – and some of my creeping agnosticism is the order of my day.

That means I am off beam and not centered on God and His will, but MY will. It means that I probably haven’t done my Morning Prayer and meditation. The “Put it in a bag and take it to a meeting” suggestion is telling me to turn it over to human aid.

What will happen is that I may feel better at and perhaps for a short time after that meeting – but the reality is that I am still people centered and not God centered for my happiness. That is something which has been true all my un-recovered life.

This is how so many of us – me included – felt when we lived as “Meeting Makers” — without a Program and not as a recovered member of a Twelve Step Fellowship. Today as life throws its curves and bumps in front of me, there is no longer the urge to “Get to a meeting” to settle myself.

I no longer get “Squirrelly” if I miss a few days, or even a week of meetings. As far as I know, no one regularly characterizes me as a “Serene” man. But certainly I do KNOW serenity, which is one of the hundreds of promises made to me by the authors of the Big Book — provided I take other simple steps. (And in the case of “knowing serenity” – that means I’ve completed my amends)

If the lack of a meeting began to once again affect my serenity — to take me closer to a drink — I’d have to take a real serious look at my spiritual condition.

Being dependent upon meetings to keep my head on straight doesn’t sound like very much freedom to me – and freedom is what I want.

But there is a price for such freedom. They guy who goes from meeting to meeting to dump his crap in the face of the newcomers who have come my meetings looking for hope for a solution to alcoholism doesn’t need to hear how unmanageable life is even though I don’t drink. He doesn’t have to hear from me a bunch of slogans that don’t even have a root in the Program but come out of the brains of some psych-babblers in a treatment center.

He can instead hear me tell how freakin’ GREAT life is when I have a God in my life, a proven Program to keep me close to Him and away from the next first drink. THAT’S what he wants to hear.

His question is, ‘Is there some way – some how – that I can get up and go through a day without ending up drunk?“

And I can tell him YUP! AND you can be happy about it too! And then I can show him how. And believe me . . . it isn’t telling him “Keep coming back – it works if you work it”. My sponsor didn’t show me how to kill alcoholics. He showed me how to pass on a life SAVING Program for alcoholics.

But the complacent part is still a threat, I am warned that is easy to let up on this Step Ten practice and those four “Things”* – and before you know it unmanageability starts to creep in again and there I go heading for trouble – and eventually to alcohol – the subtle foe.

We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. “Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God’s will into all of our activities.” (85:2)

And THAT is living a day at a time. The twenty four hour plan. One Day At A Time – whatever you like to call it. It’s NOT about not drinking a day at a time – watching the clock and hoping to make it to midnight so I can say “I’m a winner – because I didn’t drink today”. That kind of sobriety is just about the shittiest life to live that I can imagine – I don’t want any part of it.

Man, I can’t EVER drink again for the rest of my LIFE! That’s a fact! But I can LIVE a day at a time, which is what I am taught by my Big Book and by those who follow this path.

I was a little leery when I first realized, “Holy crap! These people aren’t just praying in the morning and thanking God at night. . . they are doing this crap ALL DAY LONG!” – the ones that have recovered and stay that way anyway. The “Plug in the juggers?” and the “Just don’t drink today” folks – eh . . not so much.

I can’t EVER drink again and although I am not cured of alcoholism (I still have to follow the directions) my experience proves to me that I sure have made a full recovery and I don’t have to remain still sick and suffering from alcoholism anymore.
(“Oh don’t say “ever” – you’ll jinx your sobriety.” Oh really? When did the Program work VooDoo into it? Give me a break!)

Drastic problems require drastic actions – and although it wasn’t easy to adopt this new design for living, it sure has been simple. Not doing Step Ten continuously IS the complacency – doing Step Ten constantly IS the vigilance that rids me of it. It is the price of freedom.

Peace,

Danny S

* If you are a real alcoholic and don’t know what those four things are – then you probably haven’t even begun AA – I don’t give a crumb how much time you’ve got or how many meetings you go to. You are a newcomer and don’t know squat!

Drinking or Not

Because of the selfish and self-centered way I perceived and interacted with other people, my entire life, behaviors, attitudes and emotions just made me uncomfortable (in my skin), and I sought a cure. This is a symptom of the spiritual malady the big Book talks about as opposed to the physical malady. Alcohol was my solution, not my problem.

Even though I was “In AA” and “Going to meetings” – had a sponsor, had a home group, was putting away the chairs, making the coffee, driving drunks to meetings and rehabs, and managed to gave decent sound bytes in meetings that “Sounded good” I was not growing toward the spiritual solution to my problem – and so remained spiritually blocked by self-centered fears.
One excellent reference, although there are many, is found in the Big Book (52:2) where they describe the INNER un-manageability as “having trouble with personal relationships, not being able to control their emotional natures, being a prey to misery and depression, not being able to make a living, a feeling useless, being full of fear, being unhappy, and not seeming to be of real help to other people.”

There are other descriptions of the inner condition that happens if an alcoholic does NOT deal with this spiritual malady, but this paragraph describes it well enough. I sometimes hear these referred to as the “Bedevilments“.

The spiritual malady wreaks its havoc while drinking and while “Not drinking” – or in other words, whether we are drinking OR NOT! I think we all must know a few AAs – sometimes dry for many years – spouting snappy Fellowship one-liners and yet, still mad as hatters.

Peace,

Danny S