The Lost Mind
I have lost my mind. It happened almost ten years ago and I have never gotten it back. I am not looking for it either and I hope it never finds me. Don’t feel sorry. It wasn’t original equipment anyway and I have another one I was given at birth.
I will say that the one I lost did cost me a fortune – but it really was getting too expensive to maintain and I am really not sorry it’s gone. I’m better off without it.
Most people cannot afford to lose their minds – but my mind? I could not afford to keep it. Mine was the mind of an alcoholic, un-recovered – still suffering – self centered and full of unchecked ego-based fear.
Before coming to AA this insanity kept me chugging that sauce and after coming to AA it kept my knuckles whiter than the ghost of a frightened albino polar bear. Either way, drinking . . not drinking, it didn’t matter. I was still alcohol-crazy and it was only a matter of time before the next first-drink came along and I would be struck shit-faced – whether I wanted to be or not. This is a fact and characteristic trait of the real alcoholic that seems to escape the modern brain mechanics of medicine today.
If you don’t think there is such a thing as being Struck Drunk, boy do YOU not know much about us real alcoholics.
If we alkies are to “Think the drink through” we either forget to do it – or if we remember and actually attempt to do so, we all come the same conclusive ending – which is,
“IT WASN’T SO BAD LAST TIME – THIS TIME IT WILL BE DIFFERENT“
and it’s down the hatch!
To be continued . . .
Triggers? Or Excuses?
Someone told me a few weeks ago about a guy in her home group who freaked out after taking the “Donut commitment” after seeing that the donuts were covered with powdered sugar. He wanted to quite the job, because the white sugar reminded him of cocaine and he was afraid to be “Triggered”.
Yes this was an AA meeting, not CA – but that’s another story. Cross out the word “Triggers” and replace it with “Excuses” and I think we may be getting closer to the truth. Takes the BS “Mystery” wind right out the treatment center sails – doesn’t it? That’s where “triggers’ come from. If there is something – anything – in my environment that I could change or do that will keep me away from a drink – that means I HAVE POWER over it, does it not?
We already know that alcoholism “Centers in the mind”! We will NEVER be led to believe, by the co-authors of the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous, that alcoholism centers in the donuts or the disco or the wedding reception or the smell of sawdust or that pink and silky slip under that tight skirt. Nothing of the sort is even remotely implied.
We will be told that an un-recovered alcoholic STILL has an “Alcoholic mind” – a very specific term they use to refer to one thing: Obsession. Or “Insanity” if you prefer.
Agree or disagree – like it or not – that’s the way they describe it. And boy are they consistent with it.
After we recover there are no “Triggers” to set us off like an over wound spring just waiting to be tripped. There are ALWAYS plenty of EXCUSES available – real or imagined – recovered or not – but since we are sane when we recover, we never act on them anymore – even if we could, we don’t. It’s a miracle. (Read pages 84 and 85 where the Tenth Step Promises are if you don’t believe me)
Losing ones job is a GREAT reason to drink – for a non-alcoholic. Getting a divorce is too. So is stepping in dog shit. Ditto the death of a loved one – because the non-alcoholic boozer can survive after he’s gotten a load on. He’ll sober up and when he gets over his “life problems” he won’t need to drink anymore. For an alkie, it’s an excuse – and a threadbare one at that, considering the results that always ensure – like CRAVING more. He may not survive and is insane so he drinks anyway.
Peace,
Danny S
Just Pull the Trigger
Just the other day I heard of a guy who was apprehensive about taking the coffee & donut job in his Home Group because the confectioners sugar on the doughnuts reminded him of cocaine and he feared those donuts would “Trigger” him. I am not kidding!!
If this seem reasonable to you – PLEASE learn about alcoholism and “Our description of the alcoholic” and the promises of the tenth step.
In the meantime:
The first thing I would wonder is, “Hey Zeke, why are you buying doughnuts for an AA group if you are a cocaine addict? Should’nt you be doing service in a CA meeting? It’s a wonderful Fellowship!”
BUT of course he may ALSO be an alcoholic and therefore fully qualified as a member of AA. But it would be a fair question.
But in speaking of “Triggers” – which I always THOUGHT was just the name o
f a dead horse – simply cross out the word “Triggers” and replace it with “Excuses” and I think we may be getting closer to the truth of what happens to folks.
Takes the bullshit “mystery” wind right out the treatment center sails – doesn’t it?
That’s where “Triggers” come from – treatment centers. Not AA. Nowhere in The Big Book!
If there is something – anything – in my environment that I could change or do that will keep me away from a drink – that means I HAVE POWER over
it, does it not?
We learn and realize (If it applies to us) that alcoholism “Centers in the mind”! (23:2) We will NEVER be led to believe, by the co-authors of this Book, that alcoholism centers in the donuts, or the disco, or the wedding reception or the smell of sawdust or 
slip under the skirt. If will not even be remotely implied.
We will be told that an un-recovered alcoholic STILL has an “alcoholic mind” – a very specific term they use to refer to one thing: Obsession. Or “Insanity” if you prefer. Agree of disagree – like it or not – that’s the way they describe it. And boy are they consistent with it.
After we recover there are no “Triggers” to set us off like an over wound spring just waiting to be tripped. There are ALWAYS plenty of EXCUSES available – real or imagined – recovered or not – but since we are sane when we recover, we never act on them anymore – even if we could, we don’t. It’s a miracle.
Losing ones job is a GREAT reason to drink – for a non-alcoholic. Because he can survive after he’s done. For an alkie, it’s an excuse – and threadbare at that considering the results that always ensure he will be CRAVING more. He may not survive – and is insane – so he drinks anyway.
Peace,
Danny S
The Alcoholic Mind
An alcoholic mind? Prior to learning about alcoholism, although spending two years in about a thousand meetings sure let me THINK I knew about alcoholism, I would hear and say all sorts of things with I THOUGH had something to do with the alcoholic mind.
It seemed every meeting I would go to – someone was talking about some stupid thing they did or were thinking about doing and that was “MY ALCOHOLIC THINKING”. Steal money? ALCOHOLIC THINKING. Yell at your kids? ALCOHOLIC THINKING. Got fired for being as asshole? ALCOHOLIC THINKING?
But within the context of the Big Book, the “Alcoholic mind”, has NOTHING to do with what anything like this sort of thing or what I thought it did.
When I about seven years old, my uncle built me a little go-cart. The seat was made from an old wooden milk crate. The first time I rode it, I got a splinter the size of a large knitting needle right into one of my butt cheeks. I pulled my pants down in the middle of the street and felt it sticking out like an antenna.
The blood was now all over my hand and I started crying and ran (If you can call it running) up the block with my pants down around my ankles. My mother pulled it out, of course.
To THIS DAY, whenever before I sit on a wooden seat of ANY KIND, I unconsciously feel it first to see if there are any splinters of rough spots. I do it automatically, and without conscious thought. I don’t even know I am doing it.
My mind REMEMBERS the pain of over forty years ago, and has installed a built in protection. I will probably NEVER get a splinter in my ass for as long as I live.
And I NEVER EVER get the urge to pull down my pants and run backwards toward wooded things and get my ass poked with sharp wooden objects. It just never occurs to me. (Well…there there one night but she was 18 and a master carpenter. I swear,..and I was drunk)
If I did this, I would have to be locked up in an insane asylum for my own protection. If I was fighting the urge to do this, I would have to go see a shrink to have him unlock me from these insane thoughts. I would have the mind of an assplinterolic.
I wonder where the idea that the stupid idiotic things we do all day long are all due to having an “Alcoholic mind”. If I am still doing stupid idiotic things, maybe is because I am just a stupid idiot.
Peace,
Danny S
Who The Hell Do You Think You Are?
Danny is a born and bred New Yorker, (1957) who grew up in “da Bronx”, New York City and has lived most of his life in the borough of Queens. He now lives on Cape Cod in Massachusetts with his wife Nancy and their two children, Danny Jr. and Kristen.
The Schwarzhoffs are a complete family unit enjoying emotional, mental and physical health and a harmonious lifestyle free from harmful stress. Both children are Honor Roll students in their schools, are socially active and well balanced in all areas of their lives. In July, 2011 the Schwarzhoffs celebrated their thirty second wedding anniversary.
He writes. He plays guitar. Danny was born May 7, 1957. His parents divorced when he was five and he is the product of an alcoholic family life visa vi his mother’s live-in boyfriend who was an alcoholic.Danny himself is an alcoholic. He refers to himself as a “Recovered alcoholic” – no longer suffering from the malady. He got sober for the first time in 1997 and then again in 1999. He has been sober since.He owns several popular and enduring blogs about alcoholism, meditation, recovery and the Twelve Step based solutions to life’s problems. For eight years standing, both Google and Yahoo have rated Danny as the number one, top rated “Recovered Alcoholic”.
He calls himself a “Real Live Recovered Alcoholic”; no longer suffering from the malady. Danny stopped drinking for the first time in 1997 and then again in 1999. He has been sober ever since. He has over thirty years experience with a special form of non-religious, spiritual meditation that he teaches and writes about in tandem with his unique style of carrying the Twelve Step message of recovery that emphasizes this unique meditation technique. He claim it is the missing link in Twelve Step Recovery and has devoted his life to delivering it to the world, beginning with the alcoholic.
Danny was first exposed to the meditation technique he prescribes when he was about five years old. It happened following a traumatic experience with his mother’s violent, alcoholic live-in boyfriend. In order to deal with the humiliation and resentment he experienced at the hands of this man Danny stumbled upon the technique – which he later recognized as meditation – in order to protect himself from the harms caused by that painful traumatic experience. He was able to dislocate his emotions much in the same way that the circus contortionist might dislocate a shoulder. Miraculously, when the experience was over he realized that he no longer hated the man for beating him.
Armed with his secret ‘gimmick’, life could never be quite the same. Then in his teen years he discontinued the mystic ‘dislocation’ practice and descended into the perverse world of active alcoholism, suffering mental and physical dysfunction for nearly two decades. Then in 1999 during a “white light” spiritual experience everything changed and he was able once again to ‘meditate’. He has never needed to look back. He continues to apply this method in all areas of life and has continued to enjoy mental, emotional and physical well-being as well as spiritual healthfulness. Now he teaches the technique to others principally through working with alcoholics who are attempting to go through the Twelve Step Recovery process.
Not only has Danny fully recovered from alcoholism and substance abuse but through this technique integrated into the Twelve Step process he has been able to overcome major depression, anxiety, smoking, onset type II diabetes, obesity, high cholesterol, sugar addiction, colitis, hemorrhoids, and even erectile dysfunction. His doctors have un-prescribed virtually all of the prescriptions he has been given in the past decade including Lipitor, TriCore, and ADD medications like Adderall as well as the antidepressant drugs Effexor, Welbutrin and Lexapro.
He first began writing in the mid 70s when he landed a job as publicist and advertising director for a Bronx produce company. He wrote advertising copy and press releases for the company and directed all of their marketing and promotion until 1982. After several years as a Lobbyist in Washing DC serving the United Fresh Fruit and Vegetable Association he left to start his own weekly tabloid newspaper where he was Editor-in Chief of “The Fruit & Vegetable Reporter.” He wrote most of the tabloids feature stories and much of the news copy. Danny has published articles in Grapevine, AA’s magazine for Alcoholics, and also in the Barnstable Patriot on Cape Cod.
The late 80s and 90s brought Danny to Wall Street in New York City when he became a stockbroker. One of his firms became the subject of the movie “Boiler Room” – a factoid which fuels much of his storytelling on the subject of alcoholism, spiritual dysfunction and substance abuse in the workplace. In the late 90s he moved to Cape Cod where he began writing, working with alcoholics, and breeding thoroughbred racing pigeons. He also began working for several rehab centers aiding addiction counselors with rehabilitating alcoholics and drug addicts.
Today Danny give regular public talks on alcoholism and recovery. He has conducted Twelve Step workshops at recovery conferences in Boston, New York and in Denmark as well as at Dartmouth College (UMASS).
Although frequently consulted by treatment facility administrators and those in the recovery business Danny does not affiliate with any treatment center or rehabs. He hasn’t got any recovery models to sell. He gives his meditation exercise away for free and only writes of his experience on the subject with one goal in mind. He wants to persuade others to try it and to experience an entire change of being and lifestyle through it. He is not an authority on any recovery methods or organizations, God, alcoholism or spirituality nor does he speak or write in representation of anyone but himself. He is not a member of any organized religion or cult and has no axe to grind. He does however express his experience and observations as a spiritually awakened and Recovered Alcoholic. He does not write as a form of “Twelve Step” work for Alcoholics Anonymous or as a form of therapy.
Biographic disclaimer: Sometimes the question of anonymity arises – along with the issue of whether or not Danny is a member of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). If Danny were a member of AA, he would violate AAs traditions by saying so publicly. He would also be lying if he were a member and denied it. So in order to respect that organizations traditions he does not answer that question publicly. However, Danny does want his readers to know that AA has earned his respect and he approves of AAs Twelve Step Program. He also does not think that AA has a monopoly on recovery from alcoholism and that AA is not for everyone. He has attended AA meetings and has done extensive research into its history and Twelve Step Program and is an ardent practitioner of the Twelve Steps. He writes about some of these observations regarding AAs Program, Fellowship and history.
Danny Schwarzhoff is a recovered alcoholic and a writer by trade. He is not an authority on ANY recovery methods or organizations, God, alcoholism or spirituality nor does he speak or write in representation of anyone but himself. He is not a member of any organized religion or cult and has no axe to grind. He does however express his experience and observations based upon that experience as a RECOVERED alcoholic. He does not write as a form of “twelve step” work for Alcoholics Anonymous. Please see the FAQ for more information.
By Nancy Lee Schwarzhoff
Personal Note: I am so grateful to have gotten my husband back. We have been married now for almost twenty-seven years. He became someone I no longer recognized; certainly not the wonderful guy I fell in love with; who made me laugh, who held doors for me, who was truthful and honest; who was going to go out into the world and make a difference – who loved me and didn’t mind showing it. I lost that guy, during the years that he drank. To anyone who has an alcoholic spouse I truly hope you find what my husband has stumbled into. The joy and serenity that has come back is truly a second chance for both of us.
I hope we all enjoy his new book. (He swears he will start looking for a publisher soon!) On the too few occasions that he gives me a few pages to read I end up laughing and crying all on the same page. (I am sure he does that on purpose, knowing him like I do) Then again I went through much of it. So much he never let me know about. He kept so much inside of him. He became secretive and I wondered “How could I have been so mistaken about him?” I questioned whether he loved me at all and what I did to cause him to turn the way he seemed to be. We had no idea what was happening to him. To us.
Even though Dan has been writing his whole life, this is his first attempt at a real book. When he started it a little over a year ago, I knew in my heart that it was something he should do and have been as supportive (through my fears) as I could. I was shocked when suddenly he said he had over 200,000 words written! How he did that, I don’t know. I guess there is still much I don’t know about him as a RECOVERED alcoholic. I am sure he would have started it and given up in our old life. Things are still changing for us everyday.
Although it may or may not be a best seller; it may not conform what to some people think they already know about alcoholics, I will tell you that it is all true and amazing to me. Even his new found recovered friends are just the most amazing, larger than life wonderful people I have ever met in my life. Believe it or not, even the still sick ones he brings here to the house, still drunk!
Danny gets some pretty heavily criticism for being so outspoken. I must say, he does have a knack for cutting to the chase. This bothers some people, especially other un-recovered drunks – who do not even know him past his writings. But if they can deal with their own sensitivities, as I have learned, they will find my husband to be a loving and generous man with a passion for sobriety like none we can imagine. And it is only because of sobriety that it shows. Again.
I know Danny’s talk. He certainly does not walk his own talk a hundred percent. He is far from being a saint. Not on your life! But he does seem to have a skill for catching it before too much harm can come of it. And he helps an awful lot of people. I do admire that in him. But do not ever let him tell you that he walks the talk twenty-four hours a day.
There are second chances in life, happiness, and family. It is waiting for you, inside of you. I hope you find it.
- Love Always, Nancy
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