Bottoms Up Baby!

This is a reprint of an article originally blogged here in March, 2005.

I am something of a News Oddities freak — you know, those little press snippets that make the news wires and get forwarded by your uncle Fred to every Tom Dick and Harry in his Outlook address book – the kind Jay Leno might read on The Tonight Show.

They range from stupid criminal tricks – I just love those – to just plain stupid crap that people do during the course of their lives. Many are positively unbelievable. But I find them very entertaining. I am sure there is probably some psychoanalytical reason as to why these Strange But True news items tickle me so much, but I subscribe to several news services that provide me with these daily and read them with the same vigor that other folks read horoscopes. I wouldn’t go a day without them. Here is an example

Well, there is one story that has recently made the wires that is indeed WEIRD – but entirely comprehensible – but only if you know what I know.

It is the case of one Tammy Warner, 42, and her now deceased husband Michael, 58, both of Lake Jackson, Texas.

It seems Tammy is accused of killing Michael. Spouses have been doing away with each other since the beginning of recorded history and probably before – but what makes this story a little different is the murder weapon of choice. It was a rubber bag and a length of rubber tubing filled with a fortified Spanish wine commonly known as Sherry. With me so far?

It seems that Mrs. Warner has been indicted for committing the deadly deed by injecting her hobbies arse with two 1.5 liter bottles of the sherry – a total of three liters – which not only rendering him legally plastered to the gills (0.47 BAC – Blood Alcohol Content vs 0.08 BAC – the legal limit) but also legally . . . uhhh . . . dead.

The bottles that Tammy used in commission of her crime were not those little airline-sized “Nip” bottles folks. Oh no. These were large, 1.5 liter bottles of wine that she force fed directly into the large intestine of her husband. In other words … wine enemas.

Apparently Mr. Warner’s alcoholism had gone well past the stages of social drinking. Whipping off ones trousers and assuming a suitable position on the floor for receiving a nozzle and rubber tube up the arse would hardly be considered good social behavior at most cocktail parties – highly frowned upon I imagine even in most liberal of social circles. At least in my neighborhood.

And so now poor Michael is dead from alcoholic poisoning and the villain Tammy, is left holding the bag. She was arrested and indicted on two criminal counts.

The first count is Criminally negligent homicide – or “The Deadly Enema.” The second count is for the “fraudulent destruction of writing’, which police contend was a criminal episode since the writing she destroyed several month prior to their sherry party was Michael’s Last Will And Testament. According to police Mrs. Warner destroyed the legal document with the intent to defraud.

All right so now you have the background. So why is this so interesting to me? Well, I hate to say it but, “I get it”.

God help me, but “I do get it!”

I accept that there are folks who actually enjoy enemas. I don’t really want to get into that here. I don’t know enough about the phenomenon to get into it. Pumping ones colon full of fluid just doesn’t do anything for me either emotionally, sexually or psychologically so I am in no position to claim I “Get” any of those aspects. But I do accept it – and all I can say is “Live and let live”.

But I do “Get” why an alcoholic whose esophageal veins have literally been “Burned out” through the abuse of alcohol would have to seek another “Port” of delivery.* And if you are a real alcoholic like I am, then you “Get it” too.

I “Get it” because I myself am a recovered alcoholic. When I was still out there suffering from alcoholism I was not merely a hard drinking, booze bag – but a real-live alcoholic who didn’t drink because he wanted to – but drank because he HAD to – no choice.

Peace,

Danny S

* One of the complications of liver cirrhosis is bleeding esophageal varices (varicose veins in the esophagus). Some chronic alcoholics cannot even drink anymore once this occurs.